Loosing interest in hubby

ValGal I love your post

Haven't posted in a while, so I thought I'd offer an update.

After a few lonely and sad months, I've started dating someone new. We're still at that high-energy, exciting time in the beginning of a relationship and both of us are having a wonderful time. He's open to the idea of being in a long-term poly relationship, so while it's too early to know for sure where it will go, it seems like we're starting in a healthier place than I was in with my ex.

As for hubby, he's still pretty much on the same path. He seems comfortable with the idea of my new bf and with the understanding that I'm dating with intent to have a permanent relationship with another guy. I guess having things more sorted out helps...he knows what my motivations are, and everything seems more out in the open. Not that last time we were hiding anything - just that neither of us really knew how things would progress.

He's also still exploring his fem side more...it's becoming something he does more and more - lately, it's starting to be uncommon for me to see him in his male role at all, and even when he is, a lot of his fem gestures and traits still come through. I guess I've seen enough of it now that I'm not surprised any more, and it's sort of nice to have a partner that likes to go shopping as much as I do.

In some ways it sounds like your husband is becoming like a gay best friend who is in love with you.

Are you looking for a guy to fall in love with?

ValGal, this has been a very interesting thread. Thanks for sharing with us.

Do you still interact with your old boyfriend? A while back, you mentioned that you and he had friends in common. Does that pose difficulties? Have those friends fallen by the wayside?

ValGal, I have loved reading your post. Not very many real people sharing real stories here. I am a true cuckold, but I don't have the fem side your husband has. I wish my wife were more like you. She does date, but hasn't and probably wont bring her lover to the house or have him live with us. Both of wich I would like to see happen. We still have great sex, but her lover always comes before me...and thats how it should be in our kind of relationships. I don't think your husband sees how wonderful you are, and how to treat you right. It does sound as if he is going down his own path.

I hope to continue reading more of your story as time goes by. It is refreshing to read about the real thing. Fantasies are great, but the real thing is so much better.

Hi ValGal, i just wanted to see how things were going with you. I hope all is going well!

Hi folks,

Haven't been online in a while, so thought I'd check in. Not much to report...things still seem to be about where I left them last time. My ex-bf and I did see each other a few times now that things have sort of "settled down". I guess both of us trying to decide if we did the right thing.

Anyway, I've been reading and talking to folks about the "poly" lifestyle and I suppose I've become more convinced that this is where I want to be. It's not really just about having a different/better sex partner - I want two hubbies, complete with the emotional ties and all that. Still not sure I know how to get it, but I'm accepting that if it doesn't come with all the trimmings, I'm probably not too interested.

Thanks to all those who checked in...I still think there are tons of pervs online in here - but maybe I'll admit there are one or two sincere people as well.

Thanks ValGal. Count me in as one of your sincere followers. Glad things are at least neutral for you.

Pervs and nice people go together like Batman and Robin...

Valgal, I haven't been here for a while either, since I had a lot of permisteral problems to solve. I am glad to see you are finding your way to happiness, and I think I can say I am, too. In many ways, kinky and otherwise.

I have a question, though. You seem to like the poly lifestyle as if it were what you always wanted. But it seems you started out as much more vanilla than that. Do you feel you have changed--or do you think this is something in you that was always there, but is now coming out? (I think I'm scientifically interested in the question of whether people really change as they grow mature, or simply develop better potentialities that were there all the time.) Also, do you think two hubbies would be enough, or are you open for any possible future options should they appear?

I'll join those who thanked you for this thread. And I'll again wish you all the happiness. Your sincerity and your desire to grow without hurting yourself, your husband or your bf(s) is so much what I wished everybody thought about, in all kinds of interpermisteral relationships!... Maybe you should write a book about all that in the future.

Asehpe,

> I had a lotof permisteral problems to solve...

Sounds ominous...hope all is okay with you now.

As for your question, I'm not sure if it was something I could have ever articulated, but I see that the things I value in a partner are probably not to be found in a single individual. I think it's more about accepting my own needs, and then realizing that there are ways to have major portions of these needs met by different people in parallel, rather than denying them. This sounds simple, but certainly the solution I've picked is more extreme than what most people do, so I suppose there has to be some sort of innate preference that lets me go this way.

In my hubby, I've found a soft, warm, sensitive, caring permister who has deep thoughts and feelings about nearly everything in life. He is my best friend and soul-mate for life, but that doesn't mean he can meet every last one of my needs.

The other guys I've been attracted to are sort of the other side of the coin...more masculine, powerful, take-charge. Sure, there's an undercurrent of caring and affection too, it just comes out in more traditionally "male" ways.

Rather than settle for one or the other, I think with hubby's original cuck desires, I found a way to accept that I could have both ends of the spectrum covered in my life. Once I got to the point where I could feel comfortable being in love with two men in different ways, it seemed very natural to me to setup my life this way.

As for whether two are enough...I think so. Many of the things I speak of are polar opposites (dominant or submissive...masculine or feminine...etc) and I think with the right two people, I can cover the full gamut of things I need to feel complete.

Besides, I'm learning it's difficult to be a loving wife to two guys at once - can't imagine juggling myself in a third (or whatever) direction.

In the way of an update for everyone else, I've been dating someone for a few months now that seems to have potential for a long-term thing. We have a great connection on a lot of levels, and he seems to understand the poly thing I want to achieve and isn't afraid of it. We have everything out on the table, and so far, everyone is comfortable with the arrangement and things are working out smoothly.

Awesome update!

yea great udate

ValGal, thanks for the update. Im very happy to hear that you have found someone who might be the perfect fit for what your looking for. Wishing you all the best. Keep us updated

Not so ominous... Many of the things were extended family problems that needed careful attention. Others were in my own psychology (I think my wife and I are reaching a quite comfortable situation in which she accepts more of my cuck side and we make it into a play topic, more to talk or do scenes about rather than something to enact in real life. That's actually been quite good thus far--it's dazzling to think of the possibilities.)

Interestingly, what you say sounds like finding a non-orthodox solution to the age-old problem of how to find Mr (or Ms) Right. I wonder if those people who think we're more like polymorph lovers may be right. Maybe simple vanilla monogamy is, after all, well... a kink. A solution to an equation of emotional and sexual needs, but not the only one; and perhaps the most popular one just because of sociocultural preferences...

So you don't think you had to change something internally in transitioning from vanilla, Mr Right-should-be-able-to-cover-all-my-needs awareness to your current situation? Does it feel like 'I should have thought of this by myself' (in case hubby hadn't suggested it first)? (And, by the way, is hubby totally happy with a poly arrangement rather than the cuckold situation he seemed to want at first? He doesn't find it too far from his ideal?)

Hm, I'm asking too many questions. Maybe borderline impolite, but why not?

Anyway, let me add my own wishes that your poly marriage will flourish! I can imagine it must be a lot of work, but I suppose if everybody agrees on the ground rules and nobody feels cheated (in the bad sense of the word), you all may have a good chance. And if there's something this world is in need of, it's more happy people!

Asehpe, yes, I did have to change my outlook pretty dramatically in order to get to this point. I was the typical "good girl" growing up, and I always imagined I'd have a pretty vanilla lifestyle - that is, one guy forever.

I have to give the "credit" to my hubby for pushing me past this stage. I guess his cuckolding desires eventually drove me to an epiphany where I realized things could be different. Still, I think hubby had something maybe different in mind...a wife who would just "cheat" on him. I think I took that idea and made it my own, mixing in my own values and so on.

So yeah, maybe I might have thought of it on my own, but I don't think so. I needed that initial spark to push me out of my comfort zone and to get me to accept that there were alternatives. Without this, it'd still be me and hubby plodding along like we were 3-4 years ago.

As for whether the poly arrangement suits hubby, I'm not sure. He seems happier in some ways, so I like to think it's okay with him. Certainly, it opened up his exploration of his feminine side as I detailed in earlier posts, so I think if nothing else, there's that.

Thanks for the kind wishes, although I wouldn't quite call it a poly marriage yet...we're more in the "poly dating" stages at the moment, although it does seem to be heading towards more.

ValGal, as long as you are happy where you are--as long as you think it was worth it, that this epiphany actually brought something valid and worthwhile into your life, then I think it is for the better. It would only be a problem if you were 'powering' yourself into a situation--but that doesn't seem to be the case at all, from what you say.

I wonder if every vanilla woman would eventually agree with you if she went through the stages you went through. My guess is no--people are sufficiently different from each other that some, maybe most, are probably really made for vanilla relationships. (No value judgement implied here.) Probably. But sometimes I wonder... (I remember quite enjoying Robert Heinlein's description, in his book The Moon is a Harsh Mistress, of a society in which marriages were always between a woman and two men.)

I'll be coming back here every now and then to see how you all are doing. Take care, and enjoy your situation as it unfolds!...

mred4682

I have followed her thread from the start. She's stated in several postings she loves him. She's also mentioned more than once her disappointment that hubby didn't take a stand and claim her from another man. The lady doesn't feature her husband's vicarious wankings over her relationships with other men. She said regardless of the way hubby decides to go, he won't be getting into her pants. The man she thought she married certainly isn't the sissy she's stuck with now. She's known her hubby all her life and consequently has deep emotional ties to him. His morphing into continuing deeper and deeper sissydom only stresses her as she's unable to control this. She has unwittingly become the enabler to his sissyness because he's exploited her love for him to his own vicarious and selfish desires. Losing this jerk (and all his foolish baggage that he's powering her to carry) will remove an enormous weight from her and allow her the freedom of scripting life HER way!

I absolutely believe this woman is fully capable of realizing her girlhood dreams of a happy home and loving family. There is NO reamister for her to settle for anything less!

She doesn't need two husbands. When she finally extricates herself from the current emotional trainwreck of a life she has, I have full confidence in her ability to find that ONE man who will complete HER life. I also firmly believe she will complete and satisfy HIS life totally!

I have only respect for ValGal and will not insult her or any woman. This recent taste of polyamory has taught her an important lesmister. She's stated if the poly lifestyle hasn't all the trimmings she desires, that lifestyle isn't for her.

Any man that doesn't accept a woman as an equal, thinks she hasn't the capability to be an equal, or doesn't have the strength to stand on her own is a fool.

I admire ValGal for her strength as a permister and reiterate my confidence that she will find and choose the proper path for her life.

Happy Thanksgiving!
..............PSEUDO PERSON...YMMV!

I_A_S_P, I thought I'd take a moment to respond.

First, aside from the somewhat inflammatory way you've phrased it, I have given a lot of thought to the basic points you raise. I'm sure every woman in a relationship with a cuckold guy goes this - it's part of the process. The way I saw it, there were three possibilities:

1. Find someone else
2. Stay, but ignore, repress or otherwise don't act on hubby's cuck thing
3. Stay and explore

As you point out, a compelling case can be made for #1, and I'm sure a lot of women do exactly this, or use #3 as a path to #1. In my permisteral case, even though all the arguments you make are valid, it comes down to emotions and knowing what you can live with.

Certainly, I had these thoughts early on after hubby started to spring his stuff on me, and I'll be completely honest by saying that I didn't know if I could continue in a relationship with a man who had these desires. But, when I actually thought about breaking the connection...picturing myself walking out the door for the last time...never seeing my hubby and best friend again...well, there was no way I could do it. Believe me, the first six months after the "cuck announcement" featured a lot of this thinking, and I think I've landed in a place I'm comfortable with.

Fast forward to today, and there are probably more things I'm settled on than before, especially because my experience has grown. I know that no matter what, I want my hubby to be a part of my life...I don't see any possible "configuration" absent him that wouldn't feel like a sacrifice to me.

As for your comments about "wearing the pants", frankly, I'm not sure what you even mean here. I'm not the dominant type, and it seems to work out fine with one "real" man, one "neutral" man - and me, a typically submissive woman. All it takes is a lot of loving and understanding all the way around. I might wake up when I'm 40 and say "my god, what have I done?", but from where I sit at the moment, I feel like all three of us are getting our cake and eating it too...what could be better?

Anyway, thanks to mred for jumping to my defense here...I'm glad to hear there chivilry among cucks...

ValGal

Your last paragraph describes what I mean about wearing the pants. MFM poly relationships mandate a dominating female as center of attention and ruler. She must be a real "C"-word to control two submissive males. All it takes is a lot of loving and understanding all around. All it takes to win the lottery is to pick 5 correct numbers plus the correct Power Ball. You are not a dominant permister. A real man will desire you and have no need for your sissy. That's how your last relationship ended. Your hubby has an emotional hold on you. He serves as your security blanket.

In January, you had a 3 year cuck relationship running smoothly. By April things were really starting to heat up and June was busting out all over between the 3 of you. July yielded a busted, all over, romance. During this time span hubby careened over the edge into deep sissydom. You had a few awkward 1st dates and now have a potential new bf. What will you do if hubby and new bf fall for each other and you are odd man out?

You are too intelligent to be blindsided by youthful idealism. Seriously, where will you be in 5 years if you continue this lifestyle?

You feel like all 3 of you are getting your cake and eating it too. The biggest thrill for cuckolds is eating the cream pie, yet April 8th's post says you won't allow pie for hubby. I understand and agree with your reamisters for denying him pie, still, he's being refused the finest of cuckold rewards!

1) Find someone else- you reject this.
2) Stay and hide your head in the sand
3) Stay and explore.

You seem to straddle the fence between #2 and #3.

Please save my 3 posts. Your feelings as to their veracity over time will be greatly appreciated.

Please also remember that originally you were moved to title this thread "Losing interest in hubby".

Honestly, has your interest and respect for hubby increased or decreased since your first posting and it's many very good responses? Do you view hubby's changes in this time period as a positive or negative factor in your relationships with him and others?

Good luck and God bless you!
..............PSEUDO PERSON...YMMV!

mred4682

I see nothing wrong with any of your thoughts, statements or advice you've shared with ValGal. You have a vested interest in cuckoldry and excellent attitude toward proper maintenance of the lifestyle. Your heart is certainly in the right place. By jumping in to defend your friend you convinced me to realize how far off the mark I was. I think you are a very cool dude.

I now understand she has considered all the variables and found a place she feels comfortable in. She obviously loves her hubby and wants him to continually be a part of her life. "What God hath joined together .......".

My viewpoints stem from far too many observations of cratered relationships due to mismatched characters. Seeing just one family with youngren ruined is "far too many". Faulty ideas and expectations coupled with lack of prudence and the ramifications thereof complete my concerns as to ValGal's success in her current adventure.

I agree with you that not everyone, for whatever reamister, can achieve an "ideal" (whatever that is) situation and they also are not wrong in seeking a workable alternative.

ValGal loves hubby. Hubby loves her. They have no desire to separate. If I remember correctly, hubby has sought therapy which I consider an attribute to him and a desire to remain with his wife. Possible sexual inadequacy (among other reamisters) has caused her to accept other lovers. This has resulted in mixed or negative outcomes so far.

Considering the permisteralities involved, this possible POLY scenario MAY work:

#1) Keep sissy hubby.
#2) Keep hubby in therapy.
#3) ValGal takes a FEMALE lover.

You now have a MFF poly with ValGal as the center attraction. She controls the relationship and bears rule by virtue that hubby is HER property and all interactions between hubby and her female lover MUST pass through her. Her submissive nature doesn't jeopardize her authority as she has the numbers to maintain control and leadership. Fun and harmony? Yes!

Just an idea where some cake can be had and eaten more peacefully. (Still no pie for hubby but c'est la vie!)
..............PSEUDO PERSON...YMMV!

Haven't been in here in a long time, so I thought I'd post an update...

Things are going well with my current bf. He understands I want a poly lifestyle, and seems comfortable with this idea. He moved in with us just before the holidays, and after some adjustment time, the three of us are making things work. I generally relax with him exclusively, and we've settled into that happy place where we're both in sync and getting all that we want out of our relationship.

Hubby is part of the family too, just not so much in a sexual way. He knows I love him, and in an odd way, I am at peace knowing this is how he wants it to be, too.

Hubby is still indulging his feminine side, and I suppose in some ways our relationship is more like that between two close sisters rather than a man and a woman. Even where my bf is involved, it's sort of changed...used to be that I saw hubby as a somewhat perverse guy wanting to know about my sexual exploits. Now, it feels very much like talking things over with a close girlfriend. I see that this suits him and seems to please him, so I am happy for him.

At first, the setup was a little tense...I guess I was compartmentalizing, trying to somehow keep my two relationships apart from each other. Now that some time has passed, things are much more out in the open and "integrated", if that makes sense. This is what has me hoping things can last - it feels very comfortable to me, and I think to both my men also.

Our day to day has changed too, becoming much more "routine" in lots of ways. We've made some new friendships where other couples know the three of us as a family, and honestly, it is feeling pretty "normal" to me lately.

Anyway, that's the update...hope all my friends in here are getting (or not getting?) whatever it is they want.

Welcome back ValGal.

It is great to hear the update and that things are working in your relationships. I am one of those that wishes I had a wife like you. Don't get me wrong...she is amazing and we play some very fun games...but she doesn't have the desire to jump into the lifestyle like you did.

Wish you the best of luck.
Let me introduce you to my wife.

Welcome back ValGal.

It is great to hear the update and that things are working in your relationships. I am one of those that wishes I had a wife like you. Don't get me wrong...she is amazing and we play some very fun games...but she doesn't have the desire to jump into the lifestyle like you did.

Wish you the best of luck.
Let me introduce you to my wife.

Its great to hear from you again! Im so glad to hear things are really working out for the three of you. It does sound that this is something that will last. Again, its good to hear from you! Have a great weekend

I'm late into this thread and I dont know if I can contribute but I'll do my best. My wife was very much like ValGal, I had the orignial idea of meeting other guys but the first one, a Nigerian student, she fell for and he moved in with us. I stopped having sex with her then.

Life was very difficult for me but my wife and I still loved each other but in a different way - her boy friend was very very important to her. Her left suddendly after three years when his studies ended and broke her heart.

This is when we became so so close its difficult to find the words. I tried everything to cheer her up - even encouraging her out on dates with other guys but nothing worked.

We cuddled and had long discussions and really became more like sisters, no sex just lots of love.

She became interested in me "connecting with my fem side" and I went along with it and enjoyed the make up and clothes but it was'nt really for me. We even tried going to TV clubs but although it was great fun it wasn't the answe. I was happy with my role as her loving best friend.

She is seeing another guy at the moment, another West African student, but I dont think it will last - he doesn't stay over or anything. We have settled into a loving relationship which is as good as our orignial.

Hope this hepls
jim

Val_Gal, it sounds like things are going very very well.

In many ways your relationship is the type I fantasize about. How feminine is hubby now? Does he dress all the time at home. Do you talk about cute guys with him?

Jimlondon, I wanted to thank you for the sincere and heartfelt comments. What you describe is very similar to the relationship hubby and I have, except perhaps that he is more interested in pursuing his fem side. It's nice to know there are a few others out there, and I appreciate your comments more than you can know...

In response to MrEd: I can't speak for JimLondon, but my own marriage no longer includes sex with my wife.

For me, I am still very interested in sex, and have a healthy libido. I am also still very attracted to and sexually aroused by my wife. So, it's not that I've lost interest in sex.

Even when we used to have sex together, I always fantasized about her having sex with other people. In fact, looking back, I don't think I've ever fantasized about *me* having sex with her.

I've never been interested in having sex with men or being feminine or anything, so I guess I'm maybe not so much like some of the other guys on this thread.

So, now my sex life is entirely vicarious: I'm still turned on by her, and I still fantasize about her when I get off.

Hope that's not too off-topic. I'm curious about Jim's answer, too.

Funny, this is really the core topic that got me to start this thread in the first place. I've since had lots of time to think about it, and here are some of my current observations on the matter.

Rdvrk, from the woman's point of view, sex sort of goes with the mental image you form of someone. In my case, although I love my hubby deeply, sex just isn't part of the mental image anymore. It's just not a role I associate with him, much like a guy who might be a lawyer would seem totally out of place on a construction site. Getting to this point, admitting it to myself - and then realizing that this didn't mean we couldn't still have a marriage - has taken a lot of growth on my part.

From his side, I'm sure I can't imagine how it feels. Yes, I think he finds the denial and subsequent feelings of offense arousing in their own right, otherwise he wouldn't be a cuck. And I think as he accepts his role, it lets him explore other, more hidden parts of himself, such as letting his fem side out. So I like to believe that it's been a net-positive for him overall. But again, I'm not him, so I guess I really can't know for sure.

This is a really interesting thread and I'll try to shead some light on my situation:

Yes, I would love to have sex with my wife, but I know that I could never satisfy her - I really do know that having seen her being satisfied by her boyfriends. We have developed a true and deep love that goes beyond sex and we are very happy - it would be a shame to spoil that relationship with my clumsey attempt to have sex with her again. I am a very good friend, soul mate and husband just not a good lover and she does have her needs.

Yes it ***s me when she is having sex with a boyfriend I hate it and love it at the same time, everything else in our relationsip I love.

I am very interested in sex but have no interest in other women.

I have become more like her best friend than a conventional husband. The fem thing, I suppose did have an affect, I lost a lot of weight in the past two years so we can share the same jeans, I feel I do see things more from a womans point of view and I certainly take a greater interest in her cothes, make up etc. but sex with another man is unthinkable for me.

Val Gal I hope it works out for you and your husband, having a loving relationship with him while you have sex outside is possible - it can be tough but it can also be great fun and a bonding experience between you.
jim