Loosing interest in hubby

Valgal, tks 4 the input.

Dear ValGal,

I too feel a heightend response to my lovers. As time as gone and I have had much less sex with my live-in boyfriend. I am assuming, that you, (like myself) grant special access and activities that have, long since been taken away from your husband.

I love getting ready for my dates, knowing how much my boyfriend agonizes over my preparation while my lover is full of anticipation. (I do wear special clothes for my dates.) I never allow my live-in to see me in the same outfits I wear for my lover, unless I am going out.

I hate to sound so scientific about it, but I have developed a "conditioned response," like you, to my lover. I am crazy about my live-in (he is really a terrific guy). But I am tingling when my lover picks me up, takes me out for dinner and then back t his place for sex that I have been waiting for all night.

He loves knowing I am so clean for him. (My live-in must wear a "raincoat" at all times) He loves seeing me dressed for him. He is more than respectful. He is entertaining and interesting. What a girl to do? LOL. By the time we actually get in bed I am wet and swollen.

It's obvious, my reaction to my live-in cuckold is much different. It didn't happen overnight, though. It is more a "controlled enviroment." It comes with alot of restrictions. These limits on "bedroom activites," are both self-imposed and at the request of my lovers.

I can't say it's nice to see someone else in my position, beause it doesn't sound quite right. I am tickled to know I am not the only one who has developed this special attaction for a lover but still enjoys coming home to someone who worships me.

This is the frist time I have posted on this site.
Savannah

The hyperlink is visible to registered members only! If you lose interest in hubby call this guy.

VaBeachCouple/Savannah, thanks for posting.

I think there are stages to this sort of relationship. In the beginning, I was sort of shy and apprehensive. The sex was terrific, but I guess I felt a little wrong being there with someone else. As time went by, I got to see how hubby accepted the whole thing and I guess I started relaxing more...at this stage, I was sort of how you describe. Each date was like a special event, filled with lots of anticipation.

But, at least for me, it didn't end there. You used the phrase "conditioned response"...I think that's right. I got to the point where it stopped being sort of an unusual spike in my sex life and started just being my norm. It very much feels like having two hubbies - one I have an intensely loving and sexual relationship...one I have an intensely loving and emotional relationship with. It's just how things are, at least for now.

I have to say also that this "end stage" relationship is ultimately much more satisfying for me. Sure, the sex was always amazing with my bf - but there's something more now because it's not just completely about sex. We can talk, we have friends together...we have a whole story going on that in the end makes the sex that much more intense. At least that's how I look at it.

Not sure if this is supposed to be porn, or an exercise video?

Hi, a few questions if you don't mind? So, do you now allow hubby to jerk off in your presence or while interacting with you at all?
Will you have your bf's baby instead of hubbies?
Have you already made up your mind that hubby is cut off completely?
Would you allow hubby to interact at all with you while jerking off?
Are you performing any sexual behaviors with your bf that you didn't with hubby?
Would you stop cuckolding hubby if he asked you to (I know he won't)?

Sex4fun, here goes....

Yes, I encourage hubby to masturbate all he wants - in private, or in front of me. I figure it's sort of a sign that he somehow accepts things the way they are.

As for babies, I'm not at the point where I want to make that decision. Part of me fantasizes about giving my bf a baby, but I feel responsible for the human being we'd bring into the world, and I'm not sure what's best for the young. For now, I've decided to leave that one alone for a while.

As for "interacting", I guess it depends what you mean by that. I often talk to him while he masturbates...a lot of times he asks about how it is with my bf, and I'll fill him in on the gory details. But that's about it...any more feels a little uncomfortable to me, sort of like I'm cheating on my bf.

As for sex with my bf, yes, there are some things I do with him that I never did with hubby - not so much because I was trying to deny my hubby, but more because hubby just never tried. I'll leave it to your imagination to picture what those things might be...

Finally, I don't honestly know what would happen if hubby asked me to stop. We had an episode of this very early on. I stopped, but hubby said I seemed depressed and resentful, and he felt guilty to keep me from seeing my bf. Now, a few years later, I'm not sure what either of us would do, and no doubt my bf would have a say in it as well.

I've got a few questions...

What kind of a social life do you have with your husband now? Do the two of you still go out to dinner, clubs, etc?... Or is that now reserved for just you and your boyfriend?

Also, you mentioned that you typically stay with your boyfriend most of the weekend now. Is that OK with your husband? What does he do when you are away? Do your/his friends and family think it is strange that you are never around on the weekends?

Thanks

Kapugi,

Yes, hubby and I have a social life too...we go out all the time and we have a bunch of friends, both separately and together as a couple. I've told a few of my friends about our situation...I feel blessed that none of them really judge me (or him) but accept that we're a couple who loves each other, just in a somewhat non-standard way.

Hubby is one of those ultra-busy professional types who regularly works 80-100 hours a week, so it's a challenge finding time sometimes. Saturdays are his days to decompress and relax while I'm with my bf, and so we usually end up spending Sundays together.

Admittedly, our "dates" are more platonic than before - to me, it feels like going out with the brother I never had. But in many ways, this isn't a bad thing - I think we're probably closer together now that the whole sex issue is pretty much resolved for us both.

Before we started the cuckold thing, I was honestly pretty lonely sometimes, so I don't really feel that I've taken much away from our time together. In fact, I think hubby always felt a little guilty because he never had enough time for me...now he has the freedom to do what he wants, and in many ways, he has a stronger relationship with me. It works for us.

You've gotten allot of good advice here. My experience started out very similar to yours. My live-in GF was very cautious about heading in the cuckold direction. She too need to establish some "bond" with the other guy before they began relaxing together. She also didn't "share" all that much with me in the beginning. We would have sex and I would turn to it....ask questions and she would turn her head and grudgingly give a few details. This would of course spur me on which I think she liked. As time wore on, the frequency between us deminished, especially after she had been on a date. I naturally turned more and more to jerking myself off. Not in her company mind you but alone....sometimes while she was out, sometimes after she came back. Early on she established that sex right after was not anything she was interested in. She would slip into bed, cuddle a bit. I would ask her how her night was and she would say, "we had fun" or "skipped the movie and stayed in and relaxed" but not much more....maybe a hint. My mind would turn back to thoughts of them and within 20 minutes....after her breathing would become regular...I would slip out of bed and jerk myself off in the bathroom. Soon I began seaching for her thongs and using them in my little ritual. Finally one night as I was getting up she said, "where are you going" I replied that I was heading to the bathroom and she said, " you don't have to do that in the bathroom, come lay down". As I lay next to her she pulled the sheets up to my knees and further up on herself. She put her head on my shoulder and her hand on my chest and said, "You're really hot right now and you need jerk yourself off to get to relax....it's ok, i can watch and tell you a little about my evening if it will help". More later...

Hey ValGal, why don't you post a few pictures of yourself so we can enjoy them?

Reggie, I hope you appreciate that it's different for women than for men...I'm just speaking for myself here, but for me it's not about some type of kinky emotional game like my hubby might indulge in - it's about being with another living, breathing permister who happens to know how to give me lots of pleasure. If your gf was like me, it's weird at first to swap your head back and forth between your two men. Sounds like you guys figured it out though - good for you!

valgal - what you're describing is what I fear the most as an outcome of my cuckold fantasies. I appreciate each of the points you made - feeling lonely while your man is working, for instance. I don't know what I'd do if I lost my wife or if she lost interest in me, or saw me as permanently weak or something worse. she's already feeling emotionally detached and sexually disinterested. It's not total yet but it's absolutely moving in that direction. The stress for us has not turned into a positive one. I definitely fear for our future and I'm already doing things to reverse it.

Well yes, the point is in the back of my mind I was also feeling as if I was losing her. I couldn't or wouldn't do much about it due to the compelling nature of the cuckold experience for me. I think she sensed this and tried to find a way to reconnect. I know this sounds strange but I can't think of sharing anything more intimate that masterbation. The orgasms I achieve are 10 times better than when I do this alone. She does not do this all that often. It is a treat and remains so through rationing. She will signal me when I can expect this by teasing me ahead of time, telling me to "save it for her" or "wait up". She takes control during these sessions and tells me what to do. Slows me down, takes me to the edge and backs off....teases me with her words. On occasion she will peal off her underwear to help. When I am finally allowed to finish she will give me a deep and loving kiss.

For me there is a storm of emotions attached to cuckolding and her participation from time-to-time means allot. It means she accepts me and is willing to try. During these sessions she indulges my submissive side and pushes all the buttons she knows drives me nuts. I'm not sure she gets all that much out of this other than a sense of bonding that was missing as conventional sex trailed off.

A few thoughts...

draclif, I guess I've come to think that it's possible to love two guys at the same time for different reamisters - maybe your wife is in a similar spot. I think society tells us we're supposed to be exclusively in love with the guy we're having sex with, but real life turns out to be more complex. I guess I've known some of this intellectually, but driving it home until it's part of who you are has been a long learning process. I will say that through it all, I never really felt so disconnected from hubby that I seriously considered leaving him. Quite the opposite, in fact...hope you guys sort through it all.

Reggie, I think we're in a similar place. I don't really want hubby to be a eunich, and so I do encourage him to indulge in masturbation all he wants. Like your wife, sometimes I like to watch...sort of makes me feel like he accepts the whole situation and eases some of the guilty feelings I get from time to time.

Angel_loves, thanks for sharing your very sweet and loving thoughts...your hubby seems like a lucky guy. I think you're saying some of what I've been thinking - that some things go deeper than sex, and it's important to recognize them. For me, part of it is that I don't really warm up to most guys very easily...call me a prude, but I need a certain emotional connection before I can jump in bed with someone. Because of that, it's really hard for me to comtemplate multiple partners, or to have more casual relationships with other guys. Still, I appreciate what you say, and indeed the main reamister I posted here in the first place is that I value my marriage and don't want to hurt it so badly it breaks.

ValGal,

You seem to me a very sensitive and intelligent permister and your husband is quite lucky to have you. I think you’ve gotten much good advice on this thread, and I agree with many of the sentiments. As a lifestyle cuckold, I add a few thoughts of my own in the hope they may be useful to you.

It seems to me the guilt you are grappling with comes from the cultural and social baggage you’ve taken on board about the right and wrong way to be married. Anyone involved in this lifestyle runs up against a whole packet of them: Sex should only be within marriage; sex and love should both be monogamous and should also be inseparable; sex is a mechanical process of fucking and sucking; etc.

I notice that you have begun to examine these unspoken assumptions:



Good for you! Growth and learning are long processes, but they are also the very essence of life. Love and affection can develop in a myriad of ways and pair-bonding is far more complex then popular culture and American religious tradition suggest. Historically speaking, marriage has been much more about mutual defense, political or economic interests, and division of labor than about mutual sexual gratification. The very idea that marriage has anything to do even with love is a fairly modern notion. You and your husband love each other, why does it need to have recurring physical consummation for it to be a “proper” marriage?

To cut to the chase, none of these assumptions stand up to intellectual or empirical analysis. They are fairy tales or, if you prefer, social myths. They are also what give Fetish Cuckolding (which is what you and your husband do) its kick.

Which brings me to the other issue you are struggling with: What is up with him. I don’t know you husband, so I’ll just speak from my own experience and that of others I’ve known in similar situations. Cuckolding often takes a pressure off the husband. It can give him some space to protect a private self. It can remove some level of performance anxiety – either in the individual act or more generally in the pressure of being a good sex partner and satisfying his wife over time. Cuckolding can also be a coping mechanism for a self-denying gay man, or man with an extreme fetish he cannot face or that simply cannot be met by a living female. It can also be like on-going therapy for a man with intimacy, abandonment, self-confidence, or self-esteem issues; one in which he continually faces some of his worse fears and grows stronger as a permister and self as a result.

It may be some parts of these (or something else) with your husband. (If you’ve known each other from kindergarten, I admit that it makes me wonder how much he is living the roles expected of him by family and society in his life. There is nothing wrong with that, but it might mean he has pushed other impulses or dreams down which could – could – send him into things like cuckolding as a pressure reliever.) My advice is to continue on the path you are on of long and honest conversations. Remember that this is like therapy, in the sense that he may not know himself all the answers to your questions. The safer and more comfortable it is for each of you to talk honestly, the clearer things will become, and the less scary too.

I hope this is helpful. I know it is long-winded.
Pantalone, Wittol, oblate, abnegator, fellator, pathic, irrumatiophile,fop, epicene, cotquean, skivvy, thrall, and pilgarlic.

MrsBlackBlowupDoll, you've sure said a lot. I'm no expert, but I think societal norms around marriage and sex are indeed partly biological - it's all about survival value and continuation of the species, and over most of history, the best way to ensure these things has been a man and a woman having kids and raising them together. While many of these assumptions might no longer be true in modern times, I wonder what imprint all those millenia leave on our genes.

The other interesting thing you bring up is hubby's motivation. I try to stay away from that because quite honestly, I don't have a vantage point where it makes sense to me. I'm not like him...if our roles were reversed, I'd never be able to tolerate the things he does. I accept that he's sincere and that being cuckolded is something he needs at a very deep level, but I'm not sure I understand it at a "gut" level. All of the things you say are possible...he was never particularly good in bed, and I think he had a lot of performance anxiety and maybe guilty feelings. I think there's a dimension that he believed sooner or later, I'd be tempted to look elsewhere - and this way, at least it's above-board. I think also he has a bit of a strong feminine side, and somehow he lives vicariously through me. Like I said, I'm not sure I understand - but I appreciate your many articulate insights.

Hi,

Do you think that if things ended with this current BF for any reamister that you would go back to sex with hubby?

If you would not, do you think you would have him at least go down on you so you get something out of it?

Just curious!

If things were to end with your BF (not hoping they do) would you want to find someone else?

Wow, there are some very helpful and instructive posts on this thread. My wife had many of the same concerns that you harbor when she first started dating other men. It all changed when she and her first lover broke up. My caring and concern helped get her through this and she finally realized that I was definitely the one for her. Since then she is careful not to date just one guy, preferring to share her charms with several men. This definitely lessens the emotional attachment possibilites and she and I prefer it this way. Good luck.

Sex4fun, I'm not sure what I'd do if I broke up with my bf...I suppose we'd end up having to figure it out as time went by, but it would definitely feel a little weird to me. Best way I can describe it would be like having sex with my brother or something like that. I'm not all that thrilled with meeting new people, either - so I can't really say how quick I'd be to run out and find someone else.

Wifedateshubwaits, I agree that there have been some good posts here and I'm indebted to everyone who tried to give me their honest opinion about what works and what doesn't. As for what you suggest, while I'm glad it works out for you, some of us just aren't wired to have multiple partners that way. I guess I could do it - but for me, the real catch is the intense, emotional bond that comes with the sex, and I don't know that I'd be too happy without it.

ValGal, your husband is a very lucky man.

Val, you say your husband has a strong feminine side. Do you think he has any homosexual tendencies that cuckolding helps him work through?

dblue, I think that I can answer your question as I am someone who spent most of my adult life (I'm now 42) wishing for exactly the type of marriage that ValCal has with her husband but never had ValCal's husband's courage of letting my wife go out with someone else. The furthest we've been is watching her kiss a guy at a nighclub on our honeymoon! and participating in a threesome at a swinger's party.

I have also been told by my wife that I exhibit certain feminine characters, such as being fussy when it comes to having sex (she heard from her married friends that their husbands pester them for sex every night, no matter how they dressed, smelled or looked!). A couple of my ex's also said that I am "too" gentle and that I spend a lot more time kissing their bodies before making love than their previous lovers.

But, I don't think that I am homosexual in the sense that I would fall in love with another man or want to penetrate or be penetrtaed by him. However I do fantasise about licking a man before, while and after he makes love to my wife, as well as using my mouth to maximise his pleasure while he is enjoying my wife.

ValCal, your description of having sisterly feelings towards your husband reminds me of how I started longing for the kind of relationship you have with your husband: when I was about 11 years old my teenage cousins started undressing my three half sisters in front of me to look and kiss their intimate parts and encouraged me to do the same. I started doing this with one who is two years younger and she responded by letting me spend ages kissing and licking her sex and anus and rubbing myself whenever possible. As our family situation was complex and very relegious the taboo and sense of guilt probably added to our overwhelming "depraved" desire.

My cuckold fetishes started with my desire for my half sister to become a 'slut', which she duly started playing to. She bought and started wearing sexy lengerie, short skirts and cut-offs behind our parents back, cock teasing me and other boys near her school. And whenver she got the chance she would give a 'cute' boy a blow job and let him go down on her. She even let two boys snog her on the same evening at a party on the first month's of starting university.

Throughout our relatishionship which lasted until I became 19 and she 17, I would masturbate on the smell of her worn knickers and jean cut-offs, and draw pictures of the few stories she told me of what she did to turn guys she fancied and their intimate acts. Unfortuantely, onve she settled among her friends at her university camopus I guess she became weirded out and disgusted by it and broke off all forms of contact with me.

The powerful excitement that made me shiver and tremble for hours while imagining and encouraging my sister to turn-on and enjoy sex with 'hunks' during our pubescence and her sexy responses to my desires and pleads conditioned all my subsequent relationships with other women.

Unfortunately, now that I am 42 years, married with two lovely youngren, I guess neither I nor my wife of 15 years will have the courage and ability (for practical reamisters) to live ValCal's lifestyle. My wife feels very much like ValCal. She is very traditional and 'homely'. Has a great sense of 'shame' and social mores due to her upbringing. Though I love her very much I do not feel any sexual desire for her and get the droops whenever we tried to make love. Consequently we have not had sex for about one year. I masturbate almost every other day fantasising of living ValCal's husband's lifestyle.
hidi

Hi ValGal, I kthink I know what you are going thru. You said a mouthfull when you spoke of marriage as a man and a woman raising kids together. My husband talked me into cuckolding him seven years into our marriage; at first I resisted but eventually he talked me into it and introduced me to my Bull 30 years ago! I've experienced the guilt, (should I be enjoying this as a wife, lady, and homemaker?) I had exactly the same feelings you describe regarding an ***ness to have sex with my husband. And the longer the relationship continued, more dependance on my lover. Eventually bearing two of his youngren!!
As a woman of Fifty, looking back It was fantastic and worth it. I still see the same Bull (he is VERY good) once a week. Stick with it sister!!!

dblue, I don't think hubby has gay feelings, but I think if he could snap his fingers and become a woman, he'd probably jump at the chance, and then it would somehow be okay in his mind for him to have sex with men. Hard to know for sure I guess...hubby (like most guys) grew up with some pretty strict ideas about how men and women were supposed to act, and it's hard for him to transcend that.

hidihi, interesting story you tell...sorry you haven't had the chance to live out the life you seem to have wanted. Must be very hard for you at your age and at this point in your life.

thompsommary, thanks for the encouraging words. I'm not so sure about having kids yet, but it's good to hear that it's possible for this sort of thing to run long term.

ValGal I really appreciate your honesty and I'm sure your husband is very happy. It's almost an ideal relationship in many ways.

dblue, yes, while it might not be the type of marriage I might have fantasized about as a little girl, I certainly feel lucky. So many couples struggle with the basic day to day stuff...we have none of that, and on top of it all, I've found two wonderful guys who value me enough to be part of my life. What could be better?

Just want to add a twist. We were very happy living a kinky lifestyle for the first 5 years. She lost complete interest in me sexually, but I did get the cucky angst thrill. Her clock started ticking and she wanted to get pregnant, but not by me. Sure it was a cucky thrill to think about it, but I didn't want another kid (prior marriage). Couldn't argue with her right to have a young though. That ended our relationship.

dicklet, I understand what you're saying and I guess I won't deny being scared of that sort of thing happening between us.

I haven't put any sort of date to it, but I'm in my late 20s and I can hear that same ticking. I don't know if it'll be next year or five years down the road, but at some point, I know I want kids.

On one hand, part of me feels compelled to give my bf a baby. He never had kids (he's divorced - twice) and I guess because I love him, I somehow have this strange urge to have a baby with him...our relationship has gotten pretty deep, and it feels right to me.

On the other hand, I can't imagine how devastating that would be to hubby - and more importantly, the kind of situation we'd be creating for the young. There've been a few discussions on this topic between the three of us, but no conclusions yet. So I just try not to think too much about how it would happen and who the man would be - it gets too complicated.

Hi ValGal,
I have been following your posts with great interest. My wife and I have a variation of your marriage. Like you, my wife feels the need to remain "faithful" to the man she is having a sexual relationship with. However, none of her affairs have lasted more than 3-4 months, after which we resume and re-establish our sexual connection with a new level of energy.

My wife is current boyfriend is her fifth since we started a cuckold lifestyle, and she's been with him for just over a month. My wife knows how much it excites me when she cuddles with me at night and tells me, "Sorry, but I belong to BF now, and I cannot be unfaithful." However, we both know that her current BF is active duty military, and will be reassigned somewhere far away at the end of August. Thus, our sex life is sort of a rollercoaster ride, but we are both committed to each other for life.

I do have a question for you ValGal. You haven't said much about how your BF feels about your relationship, both with him and as between you and your husband. Did your BF encourage you to become sexually exclusive to him? Is he exclusive to you? How would your BF react if, hypothetically, you decided to resume your sexual relationship with your husband?

Also, I was wondering, does your husband ever have moments when he wants you sexually? I mean, are there times when you and him are, for example, relaxing together, and he rolls over and starts to make a "pass" at you...or something like that? Or does he always know where the line is and makes sure not to cross it?