Another find:
Part I
Introduction
Audience:
The guide is intended for perfectly normal women and men involved in a loving relationship . Couples interested in this lifestyle are in most cases married, but some are unmarried and involved in a serious long-term relationship. In this fantasy, the woman is encouraged to engage in sexual play with another partner. These adventures may be limited to cyber-flirtation or exhibitionism, or much more.
This guide is primarily written for beginners, mature in their views of sexuality, who are considering this next step. It also includes alternatives for those couples who don't feel comfortable making the fantasy a reality at this time.
You'll see that a sensible GO SLOW approach is suggested. Why? Because it allows the couple to maintain a sense of control as they explore their own deepest desires and those of their partners. In addition, it provides the opportunity to stop at any time if either partner feels uncomfortable.
Before we begin...
An important clarification must be made. This is not swinging. It is not "open marriage" which is simply another word for swinging. The author neither condones or supports the swinging lifestyle. Bringing the MFM or shared wife fantasies to life does not lead to swinging - at least not for me or anyone that has a sincere interest in this fantasy. Please look elsewhere if that is your interest.
Purpose
One of the most common questions on relationship bulletin boards or chat rooms that pertain to shared wife discussions is "Should we make this fantasy a reality?" or "How do we proceed?" or "How can I talk with my partner about my fantasy?". Many of these questions have no simple answer. Quite a number of the responses provided by fellow members in a discussion site such as The Hot Wife Forum , the Our Wives Forum are lacking in details, are simple come-ons or too risky for many. My goal is to present a common sense, approach with a few of do's and don'ts that will work for everyday couples.
Terminology
The terms "Hot Wife" and "Shared Wife" have similar meanings in the context of sexual relationships. Male-Female-Male (MFM) relationships is also used. The "hot" designation is by far the most popular. A few women that I have great respect for, object to the term "Hot Wife" for a couple of reamisters. First, they may not be married and second, they don't perceive themselves to be any more "hot" than other women and prefer the alternate terms instead. For these reamisters I will refrain from using the "hot" designation.
Shared Wife Or MFM Sex Defined
It is important to first explore what it is before we discuss how to arrange it.
First a succinct definition:
A trusting relationship where a couple supports and encourages the women's sexual experimentation with another male partner, but maintains a strong emotional bond with one another.
MFM sexual experimentation may take several forms from rather benign flirtation to exhibitionism. These moderately erotic sexual activities are discussed in a later chapter. The bulk of this guide refers to a relationship that eventually leads to physical sex.
It is often said that this fantasy taps into the way men and women are wired. What is the driving power behind this desire for the man? For the women? Is It normal? Read on.
For the Women Readers
Changing gender roles in society make available more opportunities than ever before for women to pursue sexual relationships that transcend traditional boundaries. Women can now freely challenge repressive norms which have limited their options in the past to have more partners, while practically rewarding men to do the same. What's more, they will find support and even encouragement from their mates in the context of marriage or a serious long-term relationship.
To consider an MFM experience, whether is it serious flirtation or much more, provides a new dimension in sexuality. For mature couples, it can be both positive and mutually satisfying, with a little planning and forethought. The feeling of sexual power and confidence, by enticing two males into bed can be a huge turn on. As a rule, women are capable of outlasting any one man, and with a second partner she may be able to reach a previously unobtainable sexual high. The result is more often than not "memorable sex" that you both think fondly of and recall from time to time.
Of course, any major change in our sex lives can be cause for concern. It is with a certain amount of fear that most women begin their sex life or try a sex toy with their partner for the first time. But with each chance taken, new pleasures are often realized. All couples have initial feelings of intrepedation with MFM encounters, but those anxious moments fade away and are replaced by sexual joy.
SUGGESTED LITERATURE
For more information on women's sexuality, I would suggest any of the following:
The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities
by Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt Greenery Press
Turn Ons: Pleasing Yourself While Pleasing Your Lover
by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. Plume
Best Women's Erotica
by Marcy Sheiner, Cleis Press
Women on Top: How Real Life Has Changed Women's Sexual Fantasies
by Nancy Friday Pocket Books
The Erotic Mind : Unlocking the Inner Sources of Sexual Passion and Fulfillment
by Dr. Jack Morin
Exhibitionism for the Shy : Show Off, Dress Up and Talk Hot
by Carol Queen
The Erotic Edge: 22 Erotic Stories for Couples
by Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D. Plume
Cyborgasm (Audio Cassette)
by Lisa Palac
Men and Women's Motivation
MEN'S MOTIVATION
The desire for a man to see his partner sexually experimenting with another is an "awakening" for him as his sexuality matures. This common fantasy comes about, perhaps unexpectedly, for many men and women as they age. Young men in their teens and early twenties do not typically have this desire. It seems to develop after a decade or two of sexual experience and can be a source of unbridled eroticism.
There are a variety of reamisters men may encourage their wives to sexually engage other men. If you're looking for a simple explanation, I have none to offer but I might suggest you read "Brain Sex, (Moir & Jessel, 1993)" or Sex on the Brain : The Biological Differences Between Men and Women (Blum, 1998) which contains bits and pieces of what makes men and women tick. There have been recent television specials on the Discovery channel such as "Brain Sex" that offer additional clues.
His desire to encourage his partner to explore sex with another man is driven by many complex and intertwined reamisters that even he may have difficulty verbalizing. The more common themes are explored here:
Unconditional love
Reliving past sex
New sex
Pure lust sex
Competition with other males
Cum fantasy
Sexual Control
Husband offense
Wife offense
Unconditional Love: In a trusting and loving relationship the man encourages her to have a pleasurable erotic sexual experience with another partner. He knows she will enjoy it immensely if she has his support. He may feel that she was cheated out of sexual experimentation that he engaged in as a young man prior to the current relationship. Essentially, it is an act of love, where he gives her something very special.
Reliving past sex: Most couples at some point explore her past sexual relationships through fantasy. She finds that her sexual history is a powerful source of eroticism for him. Many men discover their own desire for a shared wife experience in this manner.
New Sex: Sex with a new partner is often very highly charged and perhaps biological in nature. For nearly all couples, it is fondly remembered. Bringing another man into your relationship can result in a similar level of intensity that you experienced when you first shared one another - maybe greater.
A woman who has been in a long term monogamous relationship will often behave as if she has been starved for sex when a new partner begins to engage in adult play with her. For a man, most of whom are very visual, the site of another male playing with his partner may cause uncontrollable arousal. The many "shared wife with another man" pictures posted on the web and related stories are strong evidence of this common and perfectly normal fantasy. Check out the Toy Box (couples section) or the many forums on this topic on Yahoo or Excite.
Pure lust sex: The sex a couple has over the years can be wild and passionate, but it is not exactly the same as the kind of sex she would have with someone she is not emotionally involved with. Pure lust sex has a different dimension. He wants to see that "desire for a stud" look in her eyes, driven by female hormones and natural instinct.
Competition: Male competition allows him to measure his ability to stimulate his mate against another male. A darker side of this fantasy is impregnation competition. Men are evolutionary designed for this as a penis is shaped to pull out the semen of another and replace it with his own. I do not promote or condone impregnation. Another area of competition is penis size. More on that later.
Cum fantasy: As part of nearly all pair bonding relationships in the mammal world, males want sole access to their mate's sexual zones, and specifically for the deposition of semen. This is a sacred right for any couple. Placing Sexually Transmitted Diseases aside for a moment, the idea of another male given this same access and opportunity may be very erotic for him. The sight, smell or feel of another man's cum in her mouth or vagina is taboo and also an erotic fantasy.
Husband offense: This one I can not relate to permisterally. It seems that some men want their partner to exhibit control over them, choosing to deny them sexual satisfaction by finding another sexual source. This is known as cuckolding and not explored in this guide.
Wife offense: Another one I don't relate to permisterally. Some men like the feeling of power they have ordering their partner to submit to sex with another man.
I'm sure there are other motivations, but the group listed here represent the mainstream reamisters men suggest to their partners to engage in sex with another man. If the male readers can relate to any or all of the above, you are perfectly normal as millions of other guys have these same fantasies.
WOMEN'S MOTIVATIONSome women have a reoccurring MFM fantasy. Others have not given it much thought until asked about it. Perhaps you have been directed here by your mate to learn more?
Woman reading this who have not explored the topic of sexual play another man should try bringing the subject up some time when your partner is aroused. You may be pleasantly surprised by the result.
For those of you trying to understand why he wants to pursue this and what it would be like, I hope this will help you make an informed decision.
In the right circumstances, I've asked women what motivated them to seek sex outside of their relationship and this is what they've shared:
"New sex" pleasures
Pleasing her partner
Guilt free lustful sex
Sex with a more desirable partner
Being ravished
Need to validate her desirability
Fulfilling missed sexual experiences
Unconditional belonging
Enjoying sex similar to that before being married
Being with more than one man at a time
"New sex" pleasures: For men and women, sex with a new partner is in most cases very erotic. It is likely she will have one of the most memorable sexual experiences in her life.
Pleasing her partner: Through the exploration of relationships with her previous lovers, she learns of his desire for her to engage in sexual play with a new partner. She finds he is seriously turned on by the thought of this fantasy and finds his lustfulness associated with this topic equally arousing. He wants to bring this fantasy to life more than anything and by granting his wish, she gives him something very special.
Guilt free lustful sex: Sex without the emotional baggage of a relationship can feel more heightened for her. It can be a liberating experience for those women who have not yet tried it. In an MFM adult play situation, she can concentrate totally on her pleasure, her desire and her needs.
Sex with a more desirable partner: No one man can satisfy a woman's erotic desires in every way. In an MFM experience, she has the opportunity to select a mate that is different than her current lover. He could be younger or maybe leaner or maybe from another part of the world. If she has always had the hots for a guy with lots of muscles, this is her opportunity.
Being ravished: The thought of a man she hardly knows seeing her naked, aroused and unable to resist his advances is a female fantasy. Her new partner is full of desire for her and is allowed to touch her everywhere and "take" her.
Need to validate her desirability: Some women need to know they are attractive and viewed as sensual. No experience will validate her desirability more than attracting another partner for sexual play. It can be a ego boost for her, especially if she has been having doubts about her ability to attract others. Ask any 50 year old women if she feels more attractive after a shared wife experience with a younger stud and you'll get an affirmative response.
Fulfilling missed sexual experiences: She's lived an overly conservative life and now realizes she has missed out on the opportunity to sample sex with other men. Now is her chance to experience a variety of partners.
Unconditional belonging: A deep sense of bonding where she feels owned by her partner. This occurs when the husband/boyfriend, after making sure she is completely ready, invites another man to have her. She is "his woman" and is given away. Some couples experience a very strong emotional attachment as they look at one another while a new partner is intimately engaged with her.
Enjoying sex similar to that before being married: Perhaps she longs again for that freedom she had to relax with whomever she wished. (editorial note: Most men can relate with this).
Being with more than one man at a time: It is not just guys who have the fantasy of being with two members of the opposite sex at once. Some women find it arousing.
This is by no means a complete list. Perhaps one of the female readers can elaborate on what I've written here. Drop me an e-mail. (
[email protected])
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Part II
Are We Ready?
Are we ready to turn fantasy into reality?
There are several prerequisites that should be met before you both consider turning this fantasy into a reality which relate to your background, mindset and age.
Have you explored the more moderately erotic sexual activities first? There are several turn-ons that help to bring about sexual maturity. These are discussed in the next section.
The fantasy has to become her fantasy. In some cases, this is a difficult hurdle and is discussed in the next sections. Men often fail to understand that turning this fantasy into reality for her is more of a journey, with several key steps along the way.
She must be capable of having sex without emotional involvement. This is relatively easy for a large percentage of men, but may be difficult for women. Society dictates to women, from a young age that "where her body goes, so does her heart". It is important that you talk about this issue up front so she can feel comfortable with sexual play without attachment.
Age makes a difference for some. Older couples, in their 30's and beyond are generally more comfortable with this type of adult play. This is particularly true for women.
Discussions with her about the fantasy
This section will mainly apply to the male readers.
Women want respect, love and physical sex - usually in that order. If you're preparing to discuss this seriously with your partner, this is a perfect time to work on your relationship. Before you broach the subject directly, it is assumed you've already explored her sexual past and have bought toys that help explore sex with another partner. There are countless ideas, but I've compiled a list of sexual experiences that encourage sexual maturity for both of you:
Less sexually advanced:
Have her dress up in a sexy outfit such as tight jeans and blouse, then go to a secluded location such as a park. Unbutton a few buttons on her blouse or jeans and take photographs of her in sexy poses.
Give your wife a gift certificate for a body massage and prearrange to have a man deliver the massage.
Read one of the books in the Women Readers section.
Role play. Have her come into a bar and flirt with you, pick you up and take you home.
Have sex in risky places where there is a chance someone might see you.
Buy her a revealing dress. Go somewhere you won't be known and dance the night away in front of others.
Have her dress provocatively, then go to a public place. Watch other men watch her.
More advanced:
If you're apart (e.g. business travel), call her when you've been away for several days and encourage her to act as if your fantasy has come true over the phone.
Place an ad in "Your Wife's Lovers" on the Dark Wanderer and encourage a man to have a cyber-sex relationship with your wife.
Post a sexy picture of her, where her identity is not revealed on the net, then ask for comments and read them together.
Have a male masseuse come to the house and give your wife a body massage as a surprise.
Have her dress provocatively, then go out and expose her breasts or sexy behind to someone she knows or a stranger.
Take her dancing, sit apart and encourage her to dance with another man.
Have an on-line ICQ relationship or visit a chat room.
The best time to talk seriously about this fantasy is while flirting, but not in the throes of passion. As with most sensitive topics, timing is everything.
I urge you to take the open and honest approach about your sexual needs. Explain that your fantasy has developed over time, as you've thought about you're own sexuality. If you're like nearly every man I've responded to on this topic, the idea of exploring a MFM relationship does not in any way lessen your love for your partner. She needs to hear this message in particular.
Most women will jump to conclusions and believe that their partner actually desires a swinging relationship. They may view a shared-wife experience as a means to that end. It will be necessary to reassure her otherwise, perhaps frequently.
Don't discuss the details about how and when - that's for later. First share the reamisters you want it to happen (see part 1). Explore how you think you will feel afterwards. I would suggest a "go slow" approach. This is your chance to grow and explore your sexuality together over time and strengthen your relationship. If done right, it will be a wonderful experience and you'll remain happy, sexually fulfilled and very much in love.
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Part III
Finding the right partner
Good Choices and Bad
When a couple selects a man to be included in your sex life, he might not be the right partner. There could be a variety of reamisters, but the more he knows about either of you, the more difficult it will be to keep him out of your life. If he does not have a way to contact you besides e-mail, it is much easier to say you're not
