sour and need advice

My story
Married almost 9 years; 3 years ago, I suggested we try swingging to spice the marriage and it was not recieved well at all. 2 years ago, my wife decides to have affair without my consent, knowledge, etc. Basically she cheated on me and it crushed me. 4 affairs later, and she swears the last one ended over a year ago because this put a huge strain on our marriage, I am finding clues(text msgs, emails) that she is still talking to someone. Who I don't know, but it bugs me.

Me - I am turned on by the fact that she is searching for sexual satisfaction elsewhere, but hurt that she is doing it behind my back and wont let me in. She has "caught" me looking at porn from day 1 in the marriage and recently discovered I visit this site. I have never posted anything until now. But she doesn't approve or maybe she does. Basically, I don't trust her to tell me how she really feels. I think she is still cheating or would if the opportunity presented itself. We are supposedly re-committed to each other for the long haul.

Looking for any insight, suggestions, etc. on what I should do. What bothers me is that I am turned on by her fucking other guys, but it hurt that she kept it from me. She is not open to the idea of cucking me and thinks it is sick - or at least that's what she told me when she found this site. I told her that's what she was doing whether she knew it or not and she doesn't agree. I have told her I want to see her fuck another guy. And again, I think she is still cheating, even though the last affair ended a year ago...

You asked for opinions so what I offer is just my opinion. If your wife is cheating behind your back and thinks 'cucking you' is disgusting and perverted, you have a serious problem in your marriage. Even if she agrees to let you watch, it's unlikely to improve your marriage. I suggest you get marital therapy and get the relationship back on track before considering being a cuck.

BTW, if she simply wasn't comfortable with you watching but willing to discuss her dates and appreciate the freedom allowed to her, then my opinion would be different.

She's cheating on you selfishly and making you feel bad for having your desires and needs. This isn't healthy for a relationship. Add the emotional termoil people go through as a practicing cuckold couple, and your marriage is very likely to fall apart completely.

If I'm completely honest with you, my opinion is based on permisteral experience. My wife and I had several threesomes and even led to me watching her with my best friend on several occassions. She clearly enjoyed it while it happened, but the guilt would make her blame me and say she only did it for me. She made me feel perverted and disgusting (words she even used). She seemed to like to tell people about it too. She even told her lady. It took so much out of me, we ended up divorcing 3 years ago, and I felt like such a horrible permister, I often thought of suicide. I still carry so much emotional baggage I can't have a long term relationship.

Well enough rambling from me... here's my recommendations. First, get the marriage relationship healthy again. If that's successful and you decide you want to bring up the topic again, communicate with her openly and honestly. Be willing to comprimise. If she isn't comfortable with you watching, would she be willing to tell you all the details? Would you be OK with that if she wasn't doing it behind your back? Can you come up with rules that you both agree to and are happy with? If not, keep it a fantasy. And remember, not all women understand cucking and can be a successful cuckoldress. You may have to simply accept that she isn't the type. If you can't accept that and it's important enough to end your marriage, be prepared to find another partner that will fill that role.

Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.

Insight and advice? My insight is that there is a huge chasm between the two of you. Sounds as if she has both emotionally and physically removed herself from you. What has occurred to get her to that point, only the two of you might know. But what she is doing is cheating. My experience with cuckold couples is that one of the key components is honesty and respect. Boundaries are pushed, yes, things are done and said in the roleplaying act of cuckolding, but the components of respect and honesty exist. The Bull is primarily a prop to enhance the married couples' lives. Some Bulls might actually believe they are god's gift, but usually the couple is just using him (in a mutually beneficial way).

Until your wife is willing to discuss your concerns, needs, reservations and hurts in an open, honest, respectful way I can't think of any advice that would offer a sure-fire resolution of your situation.

As a caveat, I will say that she might have been so hurt at your swinging suggestion that it "caused" her to act out. Most women see the swinging suggestion as a request by the husband to fuck other women and take it very, very permisterally.

I hope I may have helped in any way, small or large. Good luck to you.

PS Do NOT let her make you feel bad for feeling turned on by her activities. Lots of men feel the same; not all, but lots. And it's OK.
alamodom