Dan Savage hammers Cuck

Latest Dan Savage post came down pretty hard on a husband who wanted his wife to cuckold him.
I thought he was a little harsh.

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Dan Savage generally comes down on Cuckolding.

Actually, I find him a huge turn off and generally an obnoxious asshole. He is quick to ridicule any fetish or kink that he isn't into.

Remember, he is primarily into the gay scene, so cuckolding to him is not sexy, and by his description, totally self-serving for the man. He seems to ignore the fact that most couples in this scene are turned on and have a super-charged sex life.

His commentary sucks the fun of out of most erotic fantasies.. It's like talking to your doctor about your fantasies.. Hardly sexy.

He needs to lighten up big time

Savage says thoughtful comments, as when he says: "your husband's fantasies don't mean he finds you unattractive—they mean the exact opposite" or when he says must be an erotic script that works for both (usually, what a cuckold want is pleasure for her wife).

However, I think is a great mistake to recommend to the woman to tell her husband that she does not want to hear a word of what more excites him (cuckolding). It's clear that Savage is not all the "open mind" he thinks (certainly, Savage is better for gay questions, not for cuckolding questions). A better advice could be: close the door to something when you really know about it, not before.
It's obvious that English is not my native language. Sorry for any inconvenience. My blog (spanish): http://keratafilia.blogspot.com

I thought (and I'm a wanna-be) his advice was pretty much spot on. I think after 10 years and the wife is going backwards that husband should get the picture. Some wives just aren't interested no matter how much the husband is. The only thing I might have said differently is that the wife should work out a compromise wherein sometimes the cuckold fantasy is a part of sex and sometimes it isn't.

I disagree. I believe a clown trying to push 10 years of cuckold fantasy on a reluctant wife is extremely harsh.


I disagree. An asshole continually trying to power his cuckolding obsession on his reticent wife (for 10 years running!) completely ruins HER erotic fantasies and self esteem.


I disagree. When a wife is offended and doesn't want to hear any more of what excites HIM (cuckold fantasies); she certainly has a right and reamister to tell her hubby to STFU. She doesn't have to take the Kool-Aid first!


I agree. However, I disagree with your last sentence where you said the wife should work out a compromise. If she is uncomfortable with anything, she has no obligation to ANYBODY to compromise against her will!
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I wonder if Dan thinks that it is *always* the case that the husband wants to be Cuckolded and the Wife is turned off by the idea. That is just not reality, some wives are really into it.
Old Enough to know better...but I don't!

I agree with gsndhyte.

Maybe its just me, but when I hear Savage talk about Cuckolding, he comes across with a tone that is condescending. This tone is more evident in the podcasts than the written comments.

While I haven't heard all of his podcasts, the ones that I have heard seem to follow a pattern where he dismisses the cuckold husband as annoying and manipulative to the wife. (Not to say that a cuckold dudes can't be just that)

What he doesn't acknowledge enough is that many couples have an exciting and edgy sex life in the cuckold scene, where the wife is the center of attraction, she is adored by the husband, and she gets to explore her sexuality far beyond the typical marriages.

I thought Savage was pretty gentle and easy with him given the situation. The guy has raised the issue and his wife accommodated him to some degree, but he wants more. He wants it real, he wants it extreme, he wants it every time - even though it is a TOTAL, revolting, turn-off for her.

In that context, Savage alibis the husband a bit by blaming porno for giving him confused ideas, suggests strategies to find something that will do it for him without shutting her down, and firmly defends the hubby against the idea that his fetish means he finds his wife unattractive. Significantly he doesn't even raise the idea of her DMTFA-ing ("divorce the lady-fucking asshole" for the uninitiated) the guy, something he is not shy to do generally.

It seems to me Savage's response was kind and sympathetic in the circumstances.


I'm sorry, I more than disagree with this. I call it out as just plain false and unsupportable by the record.

Savage has called cuckolding one of his "fetishes too far," meaning that it is a lot to ask and those with it need to respect that it may just be too much for their partners. But he has been very much supportive and vocal in defense of cuckolding and cuckolding couples when both members of the pair are up for it.

In Savage's worldview (which I share) a permister in a relationship has a responsibility to be sexually GGG ("good, giving, and game") with their partner - to cater to and care for their sexual needs and fetishes within reamister. This usually means at least giving it a try. But there are limits and when something is inherently extreme, risky, or off-putting enough, it becomes "a fetish too far." Not exactly too much to ask - no harm in asking - but too much to insist on.

For cuckolding that means (and Savage's columns through the years generally reflect this) that a partner may be reamisterably asked to provide some dirty talk and role-play on something they don't find much of a turn-on when their decision not to "go there" and bring in a third permister for real and/or (as in this case) make it the master narrative of the sexual relationship, needs to be accepted and respected. Your partner owes you - and you are entitled to - many things in an intimate relationship, but cuckolding isn't one of them. I think if you review this board you will find that few here disagree with that.


I hear what you are saying here, but I think you are overlooking context. For TEN YEARS she has said no and he still won't let-up even though it is rotting her soul and destroying her enjoyment of sex. That's abusive no matter what he was asking for. He is using her as almost a masturbation toy - getting off on his fantasy as she endures what is only degrees better than r_pe. (Yes, I know that is provocative, but read her letter. She closes her eyes and shuts down and feels unattractive and unwanted. Every time. For years. But she feels she has to do this because he is a good man otherwise. Classic use pattern.)

You might also note that Savage goes out of the way to note that her response is not the response of every woman. His advice is for her situation alone, not all women with wannabe cucks for husbands.


Did you read the column? Let me refresh your memory about this 16% of his response comments:

(Some wives do try it and like it. I got a letter the same day yours arrived from a woman who's angry that her husband—after years of dirty talk and a half-dozen cuckolding experiences—has decided that it isn't for him after all. He doesn't want her relaxing with other men; she doesn't want to go back to relaxing with just him. Dr. Cuckenstein created a monster.)

I think if you were to search the archives of his column for "cuckold" you would find how very much he doe NOT think this is the case.
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MrsBlackBlowupDoll

Excellent analysis, MBBD!
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Apparently we think differently because we understand the letter differently. So as you say "who's to say she didn't try to understand it?" I think "who's to say she did try to understand it?".

So we have at least two options: 1) the guy knows that his wife has suffered for ten years and he doesn't care (in which case I agree the "send him to the hell"), or 2) the guy is simply absorbed in his cuckold fantasy and he has not been able to see that these 10 years have been the hell for his wife.

Marriage should be communication and negotiation. If the wife has analyzed the matter very well, I think it's very understandable if she decides to reject. However, as I said before, based on the letter, I believe that this couple doesn't have good communication and she don't knows enough about cuckolding.

I don't think that "tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you don't want to hear about cuckolding anymore. Period." is a good advice for the wife in a couple who loves each other (as may be the case). We all change over time. Who has not thought that something is too kinky at a time of his life, and then discover that it's not so bad? Beware ******* the hope your partner, because you can also ******* the love. What about "tell your husband in no uncertain terms that for the time being you don't want to hear about cuckolding... and invite him to do the thousands of other things you're willing to make".

But hey, what matters is what the couple think, no Savage nor we


It's obvious that English is not my native language. Sorry for any inconvenience. My blog (spanish): http://keratafilia.blogspot.com

The discussion continues:

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I'm sure it is hard for some people here to internalize, but when Dan Savage tells you to chill out on your kink, you should take it seriously. He is a very sex-positive guy and would be the first permister to support a couple that was engaging in a cuckolding lifestyle with full participation and enthusiasm from everyone involved. But, the reality is that this isn't going to work for many couples. I've long thought that men with cuckolding fetishes would do much better in the long run if they gently steered their wives toward some other less extreme lifestyle experience first (e.g., a lifestyle friendly resort). These places are exciting, low pressure, you can participate without actually swinging, and it lets everyone check out their feelings in the real world with a low-risk situation. If your first experience with unconventional sexuality is a cuckold hook up in a hotel involving an *** wife, the odds are good you are ultimately headed for divorce court.
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