Help...undertanding the psychology of a cuckold

I went from being a wanna-be, to a cuckold, and now back to a wanna-be. The adventure lasted about a year. My wife slept with our neighbor, who was and still is one of our best friends. He decided to stop things, not really saying why. It was most likely one of two things, he got a girlfriend, or he was becoming attatched to my wife emotionally.

They two definately had an emotional connection. My wife mentioned to me at one point, after I asked her if she would ever leave me for him..."well, it would be easier if we didn't have kids..." She also mentioned that she didn't think it was possible to love two men at one time.

I have ever since he stopped things between them trying to get her to try it again with someone else. She tells me that it was a special thing they had, and that she is not going to seek it out, but if things ever align again, she might. She and I were talking again last night and she is having a hard time understanding some of the psychology of the cuckolding thing. I have tried many times to explain things to her, but I am somehow failing in getting her to understand. I could use some help from both men and women.


Why in general does it turn me on to see her with another man?
Why does it turn me on that she might have left me for him?
Why does it turn me on that he would replace me in her sex life?
Why does it turn me on that she would not have sex with me anymore & chastity?
Why does it turn me on to have her verbally use me, and some mild physical use?
Why does it turn me on to be completely submissive to her?

No one, but you can answer those questions, since you phrased them with "me". All I can offer is what I've learned in the 20+ years of this lifestyle.

Now let me state first, that I was a bull, for a few couples, before I was a cuck. It wasn't until my wife (back when we were just dating) said, "I'd like to see you tied to a chair as some guy takes me", that got me into being a cuck (a very mild one, that's not even close to do some of the stuff on this site, ever).

Anway the whole cuck thing is her fantasy that I've made mine, to please her. Also, our number one rule is nothing happens without me there. She's also not into wimps. So any guy that hits on her, but can't "do it" with me there, is seen as a wimp, and rejected.

Why in general does it turn me on to see her with another man?

For me, it's the look on her face when she orgasms.

Why does it turn me on that she might have left me for him?

Because she didn't. Even though it's due to having kids (as you stated) she still chose you over him.

Why does it turn me on that he would replace me in her sex life?

Not a clue!

Why does it turn me on that she would not have sex with me anymore & chastity?

Not a clue!

Why does it turn me on to have her verbally use me, and some mild physical use?

and

Why does it turn me on to be completely submissive to her?

These two are the same answer. You're probably like me, an alpha male. In any other dealings in life, you not only want to be in charge, but pretty much make sure you are. The turn on in this comes from achieving a psychological balance.

Of course these are my answers, and may not pertain to you at all.

Because we are sexually submissive. My wife loves very hung dom black men. She likes it rough, loves a guy pinning her to the bed and TAKING her pussy. WIth my small cock (4.5inches)I can not fuck her hard and deep like she enjoys. So she seeks it out from other guys. Seh fell in love with me is why she married me in spite of my small cock and poor bed s*******s.

My small cock makes me sub to her. She is naturally dom over me sexually.

Not sure about the not fucking part because her and I still fuck regularly. I give her very littl epleasure but it keeps us bonded.

I should have actually phrased the questions as if they are from her...

"Why does it turn him on...?"


In this you are right. I am a business owner, in charge of 50+ employees. My business over see's the saftey of over 5000 people. I am in charge of most things around the house and tend to lead with many of my friends. Last weekend I went out ATV-ing with some guys. I usually drive, but this time one of my friends drove. For the first time in a long time I got to sit back and relax...WOW...what a great stress relief to let someone else take the lead.


jewelssubhub: When my wife were just dating and before that friends with benefits...I was more dominant but later became more submissive. All the way through from before to after her cuckolding me she says she has been just fine with my sexual performance. I make sure she gets off first no matter what. Unfortunately my wife is not very dominant and has a hard time playing that role.

Thank you both.

I would echo Indianapolis Cuckold's statement that only you can know for sure the nuance of what turns you on. Although in my experience most people are as stumped as you when their partner asks them "why?"

(What's up with that, by the way? can she explain the psychology behind every dirty little fantasy of hers? I assume you know hers as well; you really should.)

However, I can also offer what I've learned in my own 20+ years as a cuckold fetishist (and 12 years of marriage.)

Fetishes are caused by eroticizing fears. Fetishes of status reduction or disempowerment (BDSM, etc.), including cuckolding, are held by people who feel a high level of pressure to "live up to" something or other. Cuckolding specifically involves eroticizing fears of loss in the competition for love, sex, and mates.

You indicate that you fantasize about presentation and being controlled. (The last question in your list.) This is probably because in your life (not necessarily your life today, but your full lifetime) you have felt great pressure to lead, to master, to be an example, to decide, to be responsible and accountable, etc. The psychological pressure has left you with escapist fantasies of having someone else make the decisions for you; of being reduced in status to a position where you are not responsible for what happens. The pressure can be generalized or it can be confined to sexual issues. Many people who otherwise do not feel much pressure to perform in life, nevertheless have collected heavy baggage about sex - to live up to societal teachings about "good girls," "studs," "real men," etc. (This is why **** fantasies are the most common in research - they relieve the "victim" of responsibility for what they do.)

You respond you eroticizing your fear of not measuring up by fantasizing about being taken out of the game. If you submit, or become a "slave," or whatever, you are no longer measured to the standard of everyone else. You're less than them, something else. (Sissification and servant fantasies are heavy with this too.) You're out. Whether against your will (fantasy of being powerd) or because you quit (fantasy of surrender/presentation), you are no longer liable to be all those things that society/family/your little voice inside, etc. say you must be.

Cuckolding fantasies follow the same dynamic. Somewhere along the way you developed deep fears of being rejected by females and/or losing to other guys and/or being unloved or untouched and/or being humiliated. (Gee, can't imagine how someone growing up in the US today could get to feel like that, huh?) Or maybe you had a betrayal that traumatized you so much that the idea that the permister you love and trust most in the world would betray or abandon you is what stares back at you from the darkest reaches of your self. Either way, the emotional trauma (which could be one incident, but is likely the result of a collective set of factors or events) was so deep and terrifying that your psyche protected itself by eroticizing it.

Sexualizing fears makes them easier to face. Fantasizing is less paralyzing then thinking the unthinkable. If you fantasize about them, they become a bit less scary. Your thoughts about them become more rational. You are desensitizing yourself; slowly amping down your overreaction. It is like how you trained yourself to get up the nerve to ask a girl out. Each step, each hemming, head pounding request was agony. But after a few times, it wasn't so hard. You tamed your fear. In this case the thing is SO HARD that you had to steel yourself by calling on the extra resources of you libido to even get up the nerve to think about it. Overtime that connection of this fear and your libido became engrained, like a stream cutting through a field ever more deeply. That is a fetish.

You speak the sexualized fears aloud: they become less scary. You speak them to strangers: less scary again. To friends and lovers: even less scary. You read and watch representations of them. You play act them. Now you've really got fear on the run. Now you need to push it further - to make it more real - to get the erotic charge of the fear. You bring in a live 3rd permister for play acting. You let some things happen that would have once panicked you and enjoy the fear and triumph over it.

You get the point, I think.

At some point (different for everyone), it's not even so scary anymore. But your brain has been long ago hard-wired to respond to this stimulus with a flood of arousal inducing hormones.

That is why it all turns you on. I can't say what the specific factors of your formative years were (feel free to pay for therapy if you really want to know) but if you ask me, the simple answers to her questions is:

"Because of who I am and what my life has been."

If you are verbose (as you can see I am) you might go on along the lines of:

"I love and value you and our relationship so much, that the threat of losing it or ruining it is the hottest thing I can think of. It is the form my masochism takes. And I feel safe enough with you and confident enough about us to take a risk for the thrill of the ride. It's like how I would only try a weird and scary food if an old friend I trusted assured me, or how I'd only try skydiving if a top-notch instructor jumped with me."

I hope that helps.
Pantalone, Wittol, oblate, abnegator, fellator, pathic, irrumatiophile,fop, epicene, cotquean, skivvy, thrall, and pilgarlic.

Classic profile for someone with masochistic sexual fantasies. Frankly, people whose lives are scrubbing floors, being humiliated, and having few options don't go home and fantasize about more of the same. Masochism is a fantasy for the "haves."

You might want to check out the research by distinguished academic Roy F. Baumeister if you want to understand yourself a but better. I recommend his 1989 book "Masochism and the Self," as the most directly applicable.


Understandable. This is a case where Dan Savage's adage about being "Good Giving, and Game" comes in. She doesn't need to be dominant inside, she just need to learn how to act like you need sometimes. (And of course, you need to reciprocate by helping with her fantasies.) Honestly, you may want to reflect on the fact that you might not like it as much as you think if she really was enthusiastic.

My own experience was similar. My wife wasn't (and isn't) very dominant and the role came really hard for her. In porno fantasies, there is always a moment when "her natural dominant side came out," but I don't think that happens much in real life. My wife did learn to enjoy being domme a bit, but it took a long time, and it still isn't her idea of a really good time. We made it work by refocusing my fantasies towards those parts she found most exciting and dropping those that she didn't like. The cuckolding really helped. She learned to love the outside sex and freedom and to enjoy it without guilt because I got so much out of it. It did take time.

My guess is that what your wife really worries about is that she'll lose YOU and the life you've built together if she indulges too much and/or that this is a strategy by you to eventually split and/or seek other lovers yourself. She is likely risk averse and you need to really convince and constantly reassure her that you are supportive of her relaxing around and will not react badly or become estranged as a consequence.

And find out what turns her on and see if you can't incorporate it.

Good luck.
Pantalone, Wittol, oblate, abnegator, fellator, pathic, irrumatiophile,fop, epicene, cotquean, skivvy, thrall, and pilgarlic.

Nothing wrong with you. You're a masochist and get off on that scene via cuckoldry. A great many people enjoy the intense thrill it provides!
..............PSEUDO PERSON...YMMV!

A huge thank you to all the responses. It is always nice to have perspective from others.

Perhaps the answer lies in the "cuckold gene theory".

Among the many human genetic factors, like height or skin color, there is also (surely) a (less obvious) "cuckold gene", which could be defined as the "capacity to enjoy the sexual pleasure of the sexual couple".

The magnitude of this "capacity" varies over a wide range, which explains why there are people who love to see his wife with others, while other people hate the idea.

This magnitude also varies over time in the same individual, depending on the environment and the events that occur therein. This explains why some people who did not consider themselves "a cuckold soul", suddenly or gradually began to acquire this "capability".

So the question "why does it turn me on to see my Wife with another man?" is similar to "why I have this skin tone"... because I was born with the tendency to be this color and the level of sun exposure has changed it in this way.

I understand that this theory may seem simplistic, but aims to be simple. This idea of "​​a natural tendency for the enjoyment of something" could explain things like "why not all people enjoy at the same level sports, music, travel, technology, etc.".

Or where my reamistering is wrong?


It's obvious that English is not my native language. Sorry for any inconvenience. My blog (spanish): http://keratafilia.blogspot.com

here is a in depth study to read
https://www.cuckoldplace.com/6_78741_1.html

Allen

I think there needs to be an emotional attachment to some degree for the whole cuckold thing to work. Not so intense that she wants to leave hubby, but strong enough that when she kisses her lover it makes cucky's hair stand on end and sends tingles of erotic jealousy up and down his spine. The whole penis size thing, imo, is less important than the fact that I'm possessing something - body and soul - that belongs to another man. Just having her body is not that big a deal, really.

My number one reamister is that I LOVE to see my wife happy. I want her to experience all that life has to offer. But there is also an underlying reamister for me i think.

i'm pretty competitive and I think that has something to do with it for me. It's like michael jordan spotting a mere mortal 18 points in a game to 20 and then laughing as he wins 20-18. I'm letting another more endowed man put his most intimate part inside my wife's most intimate part and I still take her home. I'm spotting him dick size, physique and maybe even charisma and she still loves me. Getting to do this and letting her enjoy the physical satisfaction of another is exciting. i even hope she has some emotional attraction. Enough to bring her back to him I suppose.

I'm really tired so if any of this sounds crazy, I apologize.
fender

This is a pretty good evolutionary explanation why this phenomena exists


Also google 'sperm competition'