Well, let's see. Here's how I figured it all out.
I'm now a 48 year old male divorced 4 years from a wonderful woman. My wife demanded the divorce exactly 1 month after She uncovered my "other self".
For years I had kept hidden from Her, and everyone I know, the humiliating truth that I was basically living two lives. One normal looking and the other ever more and more turned on by Her sexual exploits and even aroused by the offense and degradation due to my own sexual inadequacy.
First of all, my memories of family and friends are happy with the usual flaws and imperfections. But all of my memories and feelings about MYSELF in situations of performance (school, work, social achievement) are painful and clear. Failure. I won't bore you with the details. Trust me, it's sufficient to say I AM a failure (objectively speaking). I also FELT like a failure (subjectively speaking).
Ever since I hit puberty and discovered masturbating and "that particular kind of release" of orgasm, as a kid, I have liked that. Looking back I realize as things went bad, I went there. It's how I "escaped". When everything was going down - "escaping" into orgasm took me up.
I know John Gray or others say men can separate love and the physical aspect in a way that women don't - but I raised it to an art form! My separation of how I emotionally felt in a love relationship vs. that specific physical "escape" was amazing to see. I mean I'm convinced! *lol*
Of course like all things it started somewhere somehow. It was young with me and fun for an other wise under stimulated guy with not a lot of friends to hang with. Masturbating just felt good and anyway that might have just been the normal start most have. I dunno. What wasn't the same for everyone else though, I think, is that I never did engage in the usual next steps in life which tug most along into maturing and well.. into everything normal in developing into a man.
I never found more interest nor more energy and excitement than in my "escape". Sports didn't happen for me. I was competition averse, having learned long before that I fail, and that was just one more way to not fit in. Friendships failed to bloom and only the rare few ever deepened. Nope, I wasn't going anywhere and here's where I've gotten to today.
The only thing that reliably gave a no strings attached high was that "escape". As I sought it myself I became further distanced from others.
- When I learned it wasn't cool I hid it!
- When I liked girls in high school I was a virgin, and my "escape" soothed my anxieties (which tend to mount up pretty quickly with the opposite sex!) *lol*
- When I went away to college and I was on my own without even family and familiar acquaintances from high school - prodigious "escaping". Now, when I had real failures that really meant something at the college level, near constant "escaping"!
Between Senior Year in high school and Freshman Year in college is when THE BIG ONE finally happened. My FIRST TIME. A girl took my virginity and I was SOoo in love with Her. Of course I was also SO attached that I sladyed any chance and She dumped me! It was CRUSHING...
*BUT - I had just discovered a NEW FEELING! I think that this was the moment when it all crystallized for me. I really think this was the moment when I became a CUCKOLD! Inside!*
I always preferred girls more than guys as friends growing up, they were kinder to me and I related to their more gentle way better. To this day I am more comfortable with female friends than my (admittedly few) guy buddies. What I discovered then though, was that I could merge my two interests. But I wasn't a good boyfriend because I wasn't faithful at all.
I wasn't mean (at least not intentionally). I was never chauvinist nor did I brag or even consider telling. Far too much of a sissy for that kind of behavior! It's just that I was constantly trying to make any female friends into - friend/"escape" pairings so I could get off and get my high. I was sincere in liking my friends emotionally. I simply spun off the physical part as if it were unrelated. After all, it's OK to have more than one friend, right?
Then one day I met Her. The girl who would marry me. And I didn't even know it yet. But I knew by now that I couldn't treat people the way I'd been. So I stopped (..not the "escaping" - I just stopped constantly trying to do that with the people I cared about and respected and liked). I went back to escaping alone.
But like haves, in order for it to work I had to keep "upping the ante" to reach the high. By now I knew I was a chronic failure. Being unfaithful (even though the encounters had been strictly superficial and physical) almost ruined our marriage before we really got started. Later because of it She had an affair. Understandable now but DEVASTATING to me then!
So now I learned: I was not only a consistent loser, but THE WORD WAS OUT!
She knew it too! I was INADEQUATE for Her. (OBJECTIVELY speaking!) She had gone to a BETTER MAN because I was so bad. All I could be was not good enough for Her.
Eventually We resolved it in marriage counseling (I thought). But I never resolved it myself - inside. I was so eager to have Her happy again, and with me again! I was so eager to be with Her that as soon as HER ISSUES were resolved to Her satisfaction and She chose to come back, I shut down the whole issue in my mind and RAN with the win. She came back to me which was my hope and dream. I figured anything else I had left to work on was only another thing She might possibly not like so I stuffed it.
I'D FINALLY LEARNED MY PLACE.
My lesmister was complete, helped along by all the harsh slaps of failures, firings, unemployments (plural), HER LOVE AFFAIR, and my inescapable record of failure. I really do fail where others don't. It's my one reliable trait. I know I am inadequate. As a man, as a boyfriend, and as a spouse. As the years went on I figured out that I was not bringing Her joy and She was getting sad. What I didn't know was that that was true of other people in my life, too. I had no idea why I didn't have many close friends. After all friends don't care how I do in my jobs. And friends don't know the private truth between just She and I - that I am inadequate. But they did know.
My need to "escape" was never more strong. But I didn't want to break bond with Her nor fail Her by being unfaithful again. Instead I turned to lone pursuits in seedy locales. I went underground - at first strictly alone but eventually in the company of usually old men seeking the same, no strings, quick release in dark places. All of us hiding from daylight and trying to avoid our shame.
The reality of all this crept into the fantasies that I now needed to "up the dose" enough to distract me from it all and to trigger it to happen. My life had gradually moved from awkward with disappointing or embarrassing moments all the way to the forbidden dark of sexual offense. If anyone knew it all they could not like me. They couldn't persevere in loving me. And of course, they could NEVER want me! BTW, Loving Her back didn't make any difference either. It didn't change the reality of what I was to Her.
(PLEASE NOTE: I didn't even KNOW what a failure She thought I was until the counseling sessions, but I'm not stupid. I knew mostly all my life that I came up lacking by the simple presence of so much evidence.)
The offense and the inadequacy were the last and maybe most potent elements to seep in and fuel my orgasms and my "escaping". The conviction that I am inadequate pushed my "escapes" to actually SEEKING offense. I could only breathe for those brief moments of "escape" from my embarrassing reality - by triggering the escape WITH MY REAL HUMILIATION. I was degrading myself to cum and, in the process, REINFORCING and making real that which was humiliating.
My ex-wife knows the whole truth and did what any sexy amazing woman would do. She is attending to Her own needs. She quickly and easily found a man to satisfy Her like a woman. When She dumped me I didn't die. Far worse, I knew the truth and now I live with it.
The strangest thing of all to me - is that I feel better knowing I am a cuckold! I was happy when She put me in my place! I loved finally feeling like I could at least do one thing well in relationships. I could make sure the sexy, virile, lucky lovers were satisfied and well served! I finally knew.
Bi bi,
Sissy
