geecrizz
Member
Posts: 543
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I have a serious dilemma on my hands and although I know which way I am leaning, the truth is I do not want to go in that direction unless it is absolutely necessary, which I'm afraid it might be. First some background information: My wife and I have been married for 6 years and were together for 5 years before that. I am 39 and she is 32. We have 2 youngren together and a third on the way. I have an extremely high sex drive and always have. She, on the other hand, seems to have a lower drive (she has actually verbalized this to me) and because my drive is fueled by the horniness of my partner, our sex life up until recently has been very vanilla and disappointing to say the least. However, she has always been a decent wife and lady besides this and is responsible as well as earning a very good living. (She works in the pharmaceutical industry.) I must also point out that I am a sexual crossdresser (my term), meaning it is only gratifying for me in relation to or preceeding sexual activity. I do not dress for comfort, only sex. My wife has known about this since before we were married but because of my reluctance and embarrassment to fully explain my fetish, she has had a basic don't ask don't tell policy. I never had the courage to fully explain myself and be totally honest out of the fear of her leaving me...I mean I loved her and didn't want to lose her or my family. In fairness, she has asked me to give up this activity many times throughout our relationship to which I responded I would (knowing full well I couldn't), but I wanted to eliminate this friction in our marriage and our sex life. Of course, at various times throughout our relationship she has stumred on evidence of my dressing which has led to many arguments and I'm sure disillusionment on her part. Eventually, about 3 or 4 years ago we both acknowledged that this part of me is never going to go away and she decided she could live with it as long as I kept it permisteral. (She did not want to see me dressed or participate) As a result of my dressing and desire to never be discovered by anyone else, I have always been able to take care of my own sexual need through masturbation. For this reamister, I have never been seriously tempted to cheat even though our sex life was about as anti-prolific as could be. (Some years I swear we only had sex three or four times). Also, I had many partners before we were married and didn't feel like there was anything else out there that I needed to explore. Although I wanted us to have a better and more frequent sex life, I accepted it for what it was as a trade off for all the other teriffic qualities she posessed. Besides, as I stated, I could take care of my own needs. I just chalked it up that she was sexually conservative and left it at that.
More backgorund information about me: When I was in my 20's I had a 3 or 4 year relationship with a woman who was the polar opposite of my wife. She was always horny...we had sex like rabbits. Also she was irresponsible as hell and dishonest as well, but the sex was great and often. Around the 2 year point in our relationship, she started to cheat on me. (Probably even before this but not that I was aware of.) I believe part of this was immaturity but part of it was also sexually driven i.e. she wanted variety. We were off and on for the remainder of our relationship, but soon her focus became black men and slowly but surely we fizzled out as I am white. However, (as I'm sure many cuckolds can relate) the last two years were the most sexually exhilerating. Although her cheating made me jealous and angry (especially at first), it also made me hornier than ever. At this time of my life I knew nothing of the word cuckolding or the lifestyle so I had nothing to reference but my own pure emotion. I processed that she wanted a bigger dick and a better fuck and once she had a taste of it, there was no turning back. During some of our final encounters when her penchant for black men came more out into the open, I would ask her questions about fucking these guys and at first she was apprehensive but eventually she gave me some details. Nothing in my sexual life has ever made me hotter than her describing me how they made her cum so hard and how they had this effect on her that she would do whatever they wanted sexually and otherwise. I mean, I was basically very good to her and these guys used her sexually, financially and every other way possible yet she was addicted to them. I had to make peace with that and I did even to go so far as to tell her that we could have a relationship where she could fuck whoever she wanted as long as she told me about it and did not cut me out of the picture sexually. Alas, in the end there was too much baggage and dishonesty to start over from that point and we eventually parted for good. However, a sexual imprint was made on my soul from that relationship that has remained with me ever since. Which brings me to the present:
My wife has always had a deep insecurity about my dressing and (maybe as a result of the secretiveness) my faithfulness to her. My mastubation materials have always included pictures, magazines, movies etc. of different women in the type of clothing I like to see a woman wearing like pantyhose, nylons, heels etc. This was not lost on her as she does not like to wear these things (although she is sexy regardless physically) and she has always had this fear that I would find someone more into this type of activity and cheat or leave her for another. Throughout our marriage she has repeatedly asked me for reassurance that I would never cheat on her and I have verbally given it to her the best I could, although I realize now that I was sending a mixed message by being secretive about part of my sexuality. In turn, she has always assured me that she would never go outside our marriage either by rather emphatically stating on many occasions that she would leave me before she would ever cheat. She also stated in no uncertain terms that cheating would be a dealbreaker, no ifs ands or buts. I on the other hand have not laid down as harsh of a mandate as her by stating that although in essence I feel the same way, I would consider all the circumstances involved before ending the marriage because a) I feel that people are human and can make bad judgements especially over the course of a marriage which could be 20, 30, 40 years or what have you and b) I secretly harbored fantasies of her having sex with other men or women and although I considered her too conservative to ever partake in "hotwifing" or "cuckolding" and was thus reluctant to propose such activity to her, I also know that over time people change and discover things about themselves they never knew existed and therefore in my mind always secretly hoped maybe she might open the door to this someday through a casual comment or some honest discussion between us. In other words, knowing how secretive women are about their desires I didn't want her to get the impression that she couldn't talk to me about any shred of fantasy or desire she might have as I know this is a topic that would have to develop slowly and over time before she could be comfortable revealing herself if it were to ever happen at all. I've even gone as far as telling her that it would turn me on sexually if she was with another woman (to which she discarded on its face claiming no sexual interest in women but regretfully never told her of my fantasies of her with another man) in hopes this "liberated" attitude about sex might lead to other honest discussion, but it never did. Unfortunately, up to this point we have never been able to have this kind of relationship and I am partly to blame for sure.
Now the kicker, last August (2007), I discovered that my wife was in the middle of an affair with a male co-worker. I found the evidence on her cell phone and confronted her late at night. At first she denied the whole thing claiming they were just friends (I had met this guy before and knew that they had indeed been friends since starting the job at the same time, going through training together and so forth and I don't believe in possessive relationships. I believe that a husband and wife should be able to have friends of the oppsite sex with certain boundaries and be adult enough to respect those boundaries and remember and HONOR their comittments which at the time definitely included faithfulness.) Slowly though over a period of a few hours I got her to reveal "the truth" in that she indeed did have sex with this man, and that it had been ongoing for months. I was devastated and even left the house for a few hours to process this nightmare. She begged me to come back on the phone and not knowing how the future ramifications of my thoughts at the time would come to dominate my whole outlook, I decided to go home and talk to her with the hope that maybe she just wanted sexual freedom and considering the nature of our relationship up to that point sexually, I could understand the desire. Besides, I to this day don't know why psychologically but like many others out there, I can't think of anything out there that even comes close to the sexual thrill and gratification I would get from allowing my wife to have sex with other men. Just the thought of it drives me sexually crazy. You see, to me, the thought of her having great sex is the biggest turn on. Our sex life has always felt a little inhibited and therefore never gone to a high level (I think she would agree) so the image of her getting "her brains fucked out" and letting loose her inhibitions and being as nasty as she wants to be makes me overwhelmed with lust for her. We never had that connection and I reamistered that maybe, if sexual freedom is what she wanted this would help us become closer than ever. It could be our secret thing and I could get to know that side of her, the side I hoped she always had in there somewhere.
So I headed home to talk but when I got there, things did not work out in any way like I had hoped. Every question I asked was met with lies, minimizations, and "I don't remember"s. It's funny how people you live with for years act like you just met them yesterday when they have something to hide. Once again, in fairness, I have to admit that at times during this discussion I exhibited a great deal of anger so I can understand the initial reaction to lie, but the ironic thing is that it was the lies and the discovery of having been repeatedly lied to about so many different things over a period of months that was driving my fury, not the affair itself. At some point during this blur I told my wife about my fantasy of her fucking another guy in hopes that this would help her to be honest about what had happened. I told her it would be ok and maybe we could even turn it into something very positive if she would just lay it all out there. Her reply "I'm telling you the whole truth."
To make along story short, although she claims that she has now told me the whole truth, I know she hasn't. First, they just kissed, then they had sex "2 or 3" times, then it was "4 times for sure". First, he used a condom, then I found spermicide in her purse which she never even claimed she used until I confronted her, then months later I found out for sure what I had suspected, they fucked bareback on atleast one occasion. She claims they only had sex in the missionary position and in her words"It sucked...he had a small dick...I feel sorry for his wife." Months later she admitted to me she sucked his dick every time they were together. Also, originally she said "one time we went to the motel and had sex during lunch hour" but it turns out that was at least 3 times. And on and on and on....The point is no matter how understanding I tried to assure her I would be she would not tell me the truth...the vulgar truth which is what I wanted and needed. I had to go speak to this guy myself (shorter Fillipino guy by the way) to get more of the truth 6 months after the fact because I knew I was being lied to. I went as far as to tell her that if it was true (which I don't understand how one could fuck somebody 4 times, at least, if it sucked...someone help me with this one) I would like her to fuck some other guy and then TELL ME ABOUT IT a) Because sexually it would drive me nuts in a good way and b) then I would know that she could tell me anything and we would be closer than ever. Also it would make me forget about this other nonsense. She balked saying "I wouldn't be comfortable doing that and I don't think you would either." How the fuck would she know?
So here I am, one year later in agony still. She claims the whole thing was a "big mistake" and that the reamister she did it was because she felt that dressing and masturbation was more important to me than sex with her and that she wanted to be wanted by a man. In other words, she didn't think I wanted her sexually. That explains some things but not everything. She says she will never do it again and that she only wants to be with me. The problem is I can't go back to that now with her. I've "seen behind the curtain" so to speak and I feel cheated on the highest level. You see, all the evidence shows that she did enjoy herself (the only details she really lied about all throughout her evolving confessions were related sex) and that she had no intention of stopping (although of course she says she wanted to end it). She claims they do not speak whatsoever on a social level (she still works with him) and she has gone to great lengths to prove her honesty to me since then. The bottom line is this: I don't care that she had sex with this guy as a matter of fact I still want her to tell me about it in an open way but she refuses to talk about it. I can accept that but only if she's open to the idea of fucking other guys in the future and sharing it with me for sexual gratification...both of ours. This reversion back to "the way it was" feels completely fake and phony to me because as I said I know in my bones that she has sexual desires that include other men and that's ok...hell that's great. To me, having sex outside the marriage is not the sin, sharing something intimate with someone else and leaving me out is. I can't accept that no matter how hard I have tried. It hurts like hell and it won't go away.
So that is what i'm left with. Thus my dilemma. Maybe a woman's insight can help me with this. Could it be that this is what she really wants? How can I convince her it's ok to be completely herself? I think she wants to think of herself as a "good girl" again and is ashamed. Like I said, she has proven her honesty about her whereabouts and such since the discovery but her neverending lies about the affair have me confused and ready to bail. Lately I've been thinking about cheating on her out of my disillusionment. I've never had aproblem meeting women so it would be relatively easy but I REALLY don't want to go that route...I want her to cut loose! I would surely never cheat on her then because my whole sexual focus would be on her...like over the top! I am seriously contemplating a divorce after the baby is born if I can't get some better resolution to this problem. I realize she can't go and act on these wishes now even if she wants to because she is 8 months and sex is pretty much out temporarily but what advice can anyone give me on how best to pursue this afterwards? The irony...you can fuck another man behind my back and lie to me repeatedly about it but you can't do it openly and with my permision and encouragement? That's fucking twisted. Any guidance would be appreciated...Geecrizz
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