Recovering Cuck Needs Your Help!!

I don't think I can help but I sure understand what you are talking about. I had all the same doubts and feelings when my wife was cucking me - self doubt, jealousy, shame that the whole thing turned me on so much, questions about whether I was gay and just afraid to admit it, etc, etc.
She made no secret about it and always wanted to bring me along to watch - said it made it better for her. She also picked guys who got off on humiliating me, 'taking her away' from her husband, and getting her to do things for them she'd never do for me. Seeing them squat over her face and her eagerly licking their assholes, the dirtier the better, while they watcarbonsmudged me and mocked me would fill me with these incredible feelings - disgust at her, disgust with myself, shame, jealousy - and all the while my cock was a hard as a rock. and I was desperate for her approval.
It finally ended when she got a guy who was too rough and also brought friends with him. One night things got out of hand and she was beaten up. So we stopped dead.
Now, several years later, we're still together but without much sex. Occasionally, she will talk about those days when we're in bed, which makes her hot, just about the only way she can cum with me. I'm still left with all the mixed feelings. These days are easier but far less exciting. I realize I'll never feel as close to her as I did in those days.
So I guess I'm just a 'secret freak.'

Thanks for your feedback. I probably put it too strongly, saying she 'got beaten up. They just liked it a bit rough and slapped her a few times and ended up leaving a few bruises on her breasts and some welts from a belt on her bottom. The truth is that we were as scared by the effect it had on us as we were afraid of them. Both of us seemed to get even more turned on by the roughness. And the fact that there were three of them made the humilation part of it even stronger as they joked with each other and egged each other on, competing over what they could get her to do.
The rough stuff happened after they had all cum once and needed something extra to get off the second time. And with three guys, the two waiting 'their turn' amused themselves with me which got pretty rough and nasty too.
But as I said, what really scared us was that we were drawn to it. In the weeks after the contact we probably had the hottest sex of our lives.
But at the time we had a young family and realized we were playing with fire. So we quit
We know we made the right decision but now our youngren are grown and we can't help thinking about the 'what if's'.
So maybe we're in the same place?