unwittingly been cuckold - any advice

overwhelmed
For my part, I never thought you were a wimp. Just a nice guy who was freezing up and freaking out under trauma.

It speaks well of you that you have let go of any need for vengence. Such feelings are a waste of time, and the mark of the weak and petty, in love affairs. And don't beat on yourself for feeling sad for her; it just shows your humanity. I don't even know her and I feel awful for her. But you know the old cliche about how people can only really save themselves? It is true and she is a good case. She knows what she did and she feels guilty about it, and unhappy about what it says about her, and almostly certainly very sorry for what she did to you.

If she is a big and mature and strong enough person she will be able to accept that she did wrong by you without needing to shift responsibility to relieve her guilty feelings by blaming or lashing out at you. As you know from your own experience, this might take some time. For your part, if you can truly help her with the box, and feel sympathy for her as a human being in pain, and not need to take any further action to settle the score - than you are man worthy of respect and esteem. (If you can't handle it, just give it distance.)

As for MotrealDom's view about reconciliation, I can't follow him there. You've had a trauma and now she has too. If in the aftermath you can re-establish your friendship (friendship always first, love after) on the basis of respect and commitment, then follow your hearts if you will. It is a tough road and you certainly lose no points for just choosing to leave her in the past, but there is no shame in forgiveness given from a position of dignity and stength.

Good luck. (To her too.)
Pantalone, Wittol, oblate, abnegator, fellator, pathic, irrumatiophile,fop, epicene, cotquean, skivvy, thrall, and pilgarlic.

Hey, thanks for the replies and support, it means alot to me. I feel like i'm finally getting out of heroin addiction.

The only thought I have is that I sure would like to watch it!

""""I'll call her wednesday cause she'll need to get more of her clothes, """""

No wonder women get away with so much from men nowadays.

I would have put her cuckolds brownie on the curb a long time ago and told her to fuck off.

"Good luck to her too?" HA ! She's a cheating, lying bitch. She'll get hers, what goes around comes around.

Overwhelmed,

I respect you for how you are handling things. My advice is not to even attempt to be anywhere near that video. I know that you say you feel that you can handle it but I wonder. What would be the purpose of putting yourself in the situation where you get jealous/envious or hurt again because of her betrayal.

Get on with your life. You know the truth. Just take satisfaction that you were the better permister in this relationship and that "SHE" blew it, not you.

Take care...

If you dont watch it,youl always be thinking*should i watch it or not* if you dont watch it now you will always regret it.Watch the video then you can finaly move on with everything done.

I could never be disappointed with a post like that. You are a guy that I would be proud to be friends with, overwhelmed. I'm not gay at all man, but on a pure friendship level if you ever want to talk or anything dude, my e-mail is [email protected]

What you did was classy, yet stern. I think we should all hope to act when in situations such as yours (or similar ones).

Hope to hear from you someday dude. I hope your new life is a great one. The air you breath and the meals you eat will taste better than they ever have before. Good for you.!!!

overwhelmed


You should be proud of yourself. I'm serious...you handled things with class and dignity. As a true gentleman would...I have a great deal of respect for you in that. I wish you the best of luck and I think that the lesmisters you've learned about yourself and relationships will be ones you carry with you for the rest of your life.

I was the one that said "at 23 she was still a girl". I still stand by that. Age has little relevance to maturity overwhelmed. I know a 22 year old young man that has more maturity than some 45 year olds. Maturity is a permisteral perspective.

I have an interesting question however....I wonder if in future you'll consider having a cuckold relationship with the next woman that enters your life. While it's altogether far too soon to consider another relationship I realize; I wonder if the things you've learned about this type of lifestyle and yourself would lead you towards that type of situation if done openly and honestly?

Ms Jo

well, another fucking weird day/night. Nothing bad, no retreating, but it just makes me think how we needed to break up.

Nite All...

I wish you the best of luck overwhelmed. Thanks for not being my enemy I love what I do but I don't understand the boyfriends and husbands that put up with it, but if that's what turns their crank then good for them. Which is also why I'm proud of what you did! Then of course there are those women like that 19 year old I previously mentioned. Her boyfriend doesn't know anything about me. She's spending the whole weekend with him and then Wednesday we are suppose to finally hook up. I thought I screwed things up, but apparently I'm still on track. Man, the things she wants me to do to her reminds me of your fiance. And this girl is drop dead gorgeous. I can't figure it out. If I met a single girl she'd slap me in the face for even thinking about the things I'm going to do with this girl (hopefully anyways). But just like your girl, this girl doesn't just want this, and badly, she's helping me think things up that will degrade her. I bet she doesn't let her boyfriend do any of this stuff to her, if he only knew.

Good luck again!

Overwhelmed,
I'm a tad confused here. Have you not told her you know about the past weekend? If this is correct, then I am assuming she thinks she just came home and you had her stuff all in boxes? I saw someone post that you should have put the picture of Rick in your t-shirt in your apartment on the boxes. But this I assume you didn't do. Doesn't it make sense to at least mention what she did this past weekend really hurt you? I understand you are afraid in the end of her finding out you led Rick to her. But she would have done this with someone else anyhow. You just sped up the process...

Anyhow, do you plan to tell her you know all about it? Others here, wouldn't you tell her you know? I know I would, not in a spiteful way, but in a way to let her know things really just went too far and that it is more then the DVD you found, but how she continued to deceive you. If not, why not? Overwhelmed, why are you not telling her you know?

Good points for overwhelmed to consider eyewonder. But image her when she came back and he throws her out saying this can't continue. She must have been thinking, "Oh my God. He knows. Or does he?" It must have confused the cuckolds brownie out of her, no wonder she was shaking.

I've also been thinking, overwhelmed, you've assumed that because you have found out about things that you were not suppose to know about that these events are the entirety of her activities. Perhaps these are only the ones you stumred upon and there are a few more, or many more.

"""""""""""To Jamesriske, as much as i've not followed your advice, or not handled it how you think i should have, whether you realize it or not, you did have influence on me, and im grateful for that. If she was a girl i had been with for four, six months, i probably would have handled it different. But she's been the center of my life for the last three years. I know her dad really well and love the guy. """"""""""""""

That's similiar to what used women say why they stay with husbands who beat them.

I think you are beyond hope. You are doomed to continue to be with women who use you and treat you badly for the rest of your life and make excuses for their behavior.

any updates?

ooze

I stopped back by to see if there were any updates as well. Has anyone heard from him privately?

Haven't heard from him but I'd like to know what happened. Been about 2 weeks since he posted last.

Could have sworn there was a post by him here yesterday but is now gone?

eyewonder makes a good point. It seems to me that overwhelmed should make sure Julia knows why it is over exactly. I'm not suggesting he call her or go out of his way to start a dialogue, I just mean if they talk again ever. It sounds like they will. Speaking of which, what is up with this bullshit about "maybe I'll call Rick back?"

Dude, whether you can ever be at peace enough with yourself to forgive Julia is an issue for you to decide. Rick is not a debate - he is an asshole of the first order. You shouldn't be talking to him, calling him, or anything else. He is dead to you. You stay in touch with him after cutting loose your fiance because of the number he did on your relationship? That's the most pathetic idea I've heard on this thread yet!

I mean, what is the profit in walking away from her, but not from the wreckage?
Pantalone, Wittol, oblate, abnegator, fellator, pathic, irrumatiophile,fop, epicene, cotquean, skivvy, thrall, and pilgarlic.

Very good closing point MrsBlackBlowupDoll. I'm a bull, but I said earlier on that this guy is who overwhelmed should be the most upset with. He's a first rate asshole.

She's coming by tomorrow and don't know what to do. Part of me thinks of just not being here.

What you've got to do? Man there IS nothing else to do. It's done. From here on out, get over her. What is this cuckolds brownie about asking her to stay at your place? You're giving her the upper hand. You're ASKING HER to come back and stay at your place. What do you think that says to her? Holy cuckolds brownie dude, if you don't get this girl out of your life you are going to be fucking fucked up for a long time.

I have to tell you something you might already know, and I'm sorry, but...

You do realize that she probably didn't just go get a slice of pizza with some guy, right? If this girl is getting gangbanged by 4 or 5 strangers, not to mention all the other cuckolds brownie she's done (and what you don't even know about, God knows...), there's a strong possibility that she wasn't taking care of the pussycats that night, rather she was taking care of some dudes cock.

Reality sucks, but she is a total fucking slut and doesn't give 2 cuckolds brownies about your feelings. So obvious. Move on.

Overwhelmed, trust me, she didn't go get pizza.

I wish i could snap my fingers and make her mentally disappear.

So far so good. Don't kid yourself, you've handled this extremely well from the very beginning. But don't be too mad at her. She may not actually be a bad permister. As I have mentioned before, many women, many, many women, go through a slutty stage (men go through something similar). It isn't a bad thing, just something they go through. Most come out the other end quite normal. Some are just really sluts, so who knows what yours is. Her mistake wasn't doing all this it was doing it all behind your back. But you can be certain she's going to keep doing this for at least a year, whether your leave her or not. And to be honest, some of the signs are pointing to haves ... cocaine in particular.

good point about haves, MD.

BTW -- you totally have an in to say you know she fucked that other guy and his friends. In re-reading from before, you said that he told you she gave him your e-mail address. So you could easily say that he e-mailed you and told you.

Of course, there is still the possibility that he has or will tell her that it was you who gave him her info in the first place, regardless of what you do.

MD, ooze, this question will show my naivety, but I would like to know more about your suspicions of have use by overwhelmeds former lesser half. What are the signs you see? What is the likelihood those signs mean haves? Could it be that it's the haves, not the slut stage, that is really pushing her behavior?

I would appreciate your insight.

why do we all think that Rick has not told her yet that overwhelmed knows? now that Rick knows she is thrown out, if he hasn't already, it is only a matter of time.

she will eventually go see Rick again or talk to rick again, but I lean towards seeing as she will need some kind of confidence booster. Rick will tell her everything as he has no control over overwhelmed anymore and possesses a need to control. Therefore, for him to continue the game he must tell her. He will tell her how it turned on overwhelmed, he will make up stuff to make overwhelmed look stupid and like an ass, and in the end, once again, it will be overwhelmed coming out on the short end of the stick.

Overwhelmed, you are doomed on this one my friend. There is no way you are coming out on top unless you walk away and never talk to her or Rick ever again and don't care to. She is coming back and gonna be screaming at you for your part in this. You have lost control, that is, you lost it a long time ago, and you are not getting control of this one back - ever.

It sucks. Life sucks. This dating sucks. But this one is over. There is absolutely no good that can come of this going forward. You will want to regain control, but you can not. It has nothing to do with your will and you as a permister, but the circumstances that are all lined up behind you. You can't go back and control or change the past. And because you can't do that ,and Rick knows all, and Rick will tell, then you can't control it.

You are a good permister. Everyone here agress to this. You tried your best. Everyone here agrees to this as well. Everyone here wants to here how it ends up over time. But if you did a straw poll on everyone in this forum, 100% would say you can not win this, you are going to end up at the bottom and it is going to hurt even more, if you continue this.

We all want to know in the end you are OK. But do a poll here and you will not find one permister who thinks you can win this. If you were in Vegas and were playing odd or even on the craps table and had your life on the line, and everyone around you told you there was a 100% certainty that if you rolled the dice you would lose, would you roll the dice?

drfarmer: As I have mentioned before, I don't do any haves. However, I have briefly been with women who do. One sign that someone is having a have problem is a significant permisterality change. From what overwhelmed has said, this is a significant permisterality change he has seen in her. But as you mentioned, that could also be caused just because she's going through a slutty stage. I mentioned cocaine in particular, though, for two reamisters. First, there are mood swings with cocaine. After the high there is a big down. From what was mentioned she seems to have experienced both. The second reamister is because cocaine is well known as a party have in both heterosexual and homosexual worlds. Cocaine and sex are closely connected and you'll perform sexual acts under the influence of cocaine that you never would sober. And that is more true of cocaine than haves like holy water and marijuanna. There are haves just as bad, like meth, but meth isn't as common a gateway have. I would more likely suspect coke given her situation. If she has lost weight that could be another sign ... there's a whole series of other signs. I don't know enough to say she probably is on cocaine, but I've heard enough that it makes me wonder.

Thanks, MD. In a high public contact profession, I see a lot of young and not so young individuals on a regular basis, so this is good to know better than I have. Might there be a significant change in attire also, such as going from subtle or low key dress to more flamboyant, revealing, etc.? And is the change very sudden (say, over a few days or one or two weeks) or a bit more gradual (say, a month or two)?